Broken sleep.

Thursday 18th February 2016 9:54am

The cat picture will be explained later on, promise it’s not that I’m a crazy cat person, well anymore than everyone else.

I set my Fitbit to record my sleep, like normal. In bed by 10:38pm but my body had shut down but not my mind. 1000 questions a second and rapid talking. The more I spoke the more active my body became… 11:05pm and I’m wide awake now.

As previous described by my doctor “You have manic episodes when it’s late at night, this can be from talking too fast and a change in habit or become restless and thinking too much.” The joys.

Everybody has random thoughts when they go to bed, everyone has a thought and some have even thought they can answer any question possible, I am also one of these people. However, the thoughts last night was incredibly different. “Why do we all do daily things? Why is it some people sleep more than others? I wonder what the cat is doing… Do you reckon she can understand me? Why do they meow differently and only to the owners? Why can’t they lift their front paws above their head like we can?” All random thoughts all of which have probably been answered and if I googled the question I would have had an answer within seconds…. But that’s too easy.

I have a kitten, she is called Gypsy and will be 2 in a few months. (That is her in the image, I’ve not just googled random black cat, just to clarify.) I first got her from my neighbors when I was living on my own 2 years ago and I had struggled to cope with reality. She has become a creature I love with all my heart and I never thought I would ever own a cat. She is a black short haired cat with a tiny white Bow tie under her neck… She is a pretty cat but she has been called “Devil Cat”, “Black Devil”, she has even been called evil. These names have been said from people close who love her but she gets aggressive very quickly, like myself. I call her a lot of names, mostly polite unless she has a go at me then she gets called the Black Devil. Oh she can be vicious.

Last night I woke up around 3:05am, which is normal if I haven’t taken sleeping tablets as I wanted a more ‘natural’ sleep. I was wide awake and wasn’t tired in the slightest when I felt a tiny paw padding my leg… Then on my arm and a little pur. Gypsy was in bed and wanted a cuddle. Same time as always as I’m awake when she does. So I gave her a fuss and a cuddle and then she fell asleep. So I lay there, not thinking just gazing at the ceiling and the only thought that popped into my head was “I wonder if Gypsy loves me like I love her.”

I blinked and looked at the time and it was 4:20… Strange how it always happens, you blink and miss an hour or two. Gypsy had left and was sat running around like normal, my partner is fast asleep not even stirring at my movements as I tried to get comfortable.

I blinked again and it was 6:40ish, roughly, and I heard this almighty pur. This woke my partner up and his exact words where “whose cat is that?!” Our cat does a gentle pur so quiet you can’t tell but this was like a motorbikes engine. It was incredibly loud. She padded away purring away and fell asleep between myself and my partner. I fussed her like normal and that was it… Wide awake. Again. Like normal.

I’ve never slept a lot even as a child, my mother had to put pretty woman on at 4 in the morning to get me to sleep but I wouldn’t, I’d watch the whole film and then sleep. So lack of sleep has never bothered me except recently. Of course the Internet posts have played a part as to why but I have now began to think I need more and this is why I am the way I am now.

Vivid and horrific dreams. Dreams that make you wake up in a sweat and panic. Dreams that you wake up crying from. All of these happen incredibly often now and get more and more frequently. It gets very hard to stay strong in the day and focused when all you can think about was, why do I have these dreams?

My concentration has vanished and I struggle to focus, I’ve been told I have the attention span of a goldfish if I’m not working or trying to focus on one task. It’s always made people laugh but I just can’t help it.

The main reason for this post was to describe my sleeping habits so I remember, I can always look at my Fitbit app on my phone but that just shows sleep which hasn’t always been accurate whereas this I can believe more as I wrote this. It’s my thoughts and my trail of what happened. Being out of work for 4 weeks has really messed my structure up and even more so since I’ve been classed as having a contagious illness. But it will be time to hit reality again tomorrow, my first day back at work.

Oh the fear…


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