The Inner Child.

Saturday 20th February 2016 2:30pm

So after yesterday’s ordeal of going back to work, I was exhausted. I said I would have a large glass of wine but in reality I couldn’t finish it. I sat on our recliner with Gypsy cuddled between myself and Tom, both of us in onsie’s, and it was lovely so peaceful. I just couldn’t stay awake for long and I couldn’t settle, brain was working overtime on everything (like we all know it does once you sit down and stop.)

I took 2 sleeping tablets hoping that I could sleep properly, despite being so tired I thought it would help. To begin with  I was incredibly restless in bed, 25-30 minutes for the tablets to kick in… Yeah right. 45/50 minutes later I finally began to settle and boom, deep sleep here I come.

Wrong. Incredibly wrong. It wasn’t a deep sleep. It was so light any movements I heard I would disrupt, this also shows on my Fitbit app. But I wasn’t fully awake till 6:23am. Better than I have been all week. More than likely because it wasn’t a natural state it was a self medicated sleep. But I had sleep. I shouldn’t moan too much about that.

So I’m awake. I begin to think of how irritating it is now being able to get 8 hours, let alone 6 or 7 hours without being woken up. It then led me to a trial of odd thoughts which has continued up until now. Tom awake at 9ish roughly and we had a chat and a natta about random things. We sorted the plan out for today which was to see his parents. I do enjoy seeing them.

They live about 45 minutes away so always a car journey. His mum always makes food, normally cheese batches for myself which I can never complain about, since it’s cheese. Who would?! She is always presented so nicely and has such posture it’s amazing. It’s where Tom gets all his traits from. His dad is always laid back, incredibly relaxed and very sports orientated, however whenever I’m round we talk about technology since he enjoys that. We gave them the wedding invites today and his mum was a bit emotional, it is her youngest son getting married and it was so nice to see how much she cares about him.

We had a long conversation about money, always an issue and a worry, what’s going on with the wedding, what’s left to do… Surprisingly enough everything is done it’s just the paying for it bit now, all help would be appreciated – jokes.

So we sat and talked. A couple of hours flew by and it was lovely. Time just vanished. Not once did I think does she still like me the same as before? She doesn’t think of me differently does she? I didn’t question it as she was the same with me then as she has been every other time I’ve seen her.

Time for the short journey home. The weather had changed and it began to rain whilst we were in the car. Before I continue I’m just pointing out I don’t drive, before a concern arises. So I sat watching the rain. Which the trail of thought went from why does it have to rain today? I wonder if rain is ever warm before it hits an object. Water can be warm. The sea is warm, only sometimes though and that’s based on the sun isn’t it? I wonder if there are still ‘ancient’ dinosaurs swimming so far down we would never know. We can’t have explored all the ocean, can we? I bet there are mercreatures somewhere. I miss acting like a mercreature, I wonder if my mum still has my blanket. What colour was that again? Green. No teal? Maybe blue? Did I really used to dress as a merman every weekend? This trail of thought then led me to my childhood and how I used to act.

I was always told I had a vivid imagination. I would always pretend to be a witch, because witches are cool and don’t use wands like they do now, I would pretend to be a Pokemon, again still cool. I’d act like creatures and name them, but I  would never stop there. It became me and I would sometimes act for days I was in a magical place and reality didn’t exist. I spent a few day’s (not all in a row) pretending to be a merman. I had a blanket and would shape it as a fin, and then wrapped it around my waste and would flop over the floor. Anyone who asked me what I was doing I would just make a noise back. (I was speaking in fish language which you can only hear if you’re under the water and magical.)  I have always been obsessed with things like mercreatures, made up animals, mythical animals and cartoons. I am to this day.

I don’t think I’ll ever grow out of it, but is that the reason I struggle to accept reality for what it is? Do I hear voices in my head because I have taught myself as a child I’m part of a magical land and I’ve never split the two apart? Whenever I have a bath I always submerge my whole body and let my hair ‘flow’, not like it’s long enough to but I always imagined it was more like Ariels from the little mermaid. Wherever I am I always think, if I had a Pokemon or magic I would be able to do this, this and that and nobody would notice. I could do so much. I always thought one day I will make magic happen and I’ll be a star. I’ll have spotlights everywhere. A limo to take me wherever I want.

I have never changed. I am still the same way inclined. Does this make me childish? Does it mean I have more wrong with me than already? Is it because of all these magical voices why my brain is so fried and I’m different to others? Why did I have to be like this?

I ask myself why me every day. Why am I so different. Am I strange to everyone else? I guess I am but to what extend I don’t know. I have a driving lesson soon. In the hour I feel free, yes there is someone sat beside me giving me directions or pointers and tips but I feel free. I’m doing something positive and something for me. I hope I feel this free when I pass.

Fingers crossed. Let’s just hope it stops raining so I don’t drift off into a day dream like normal.

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