Sunday 21st February 2016 8:23pm
So… The weekend. Normally people have loads of plans and rush around like crazy people who can’t spare a second, right?
Well for myself it has been very different. After yesterday’s visit to the in-laws and the driving lesson, to which I might add I made so incredibly silly mistakes and was so worked up it was ridiculous. I should of been calm. Relaxed. But at the minute because I can’t seem to focus myself, how can I show it on the outside? Put on a brave face and a fake smile like before? Hardly a long term solution when you feel so lost and out of touch with yourself.
So we went and visited my family. My sister has been down for the weekend and I always have such a laugh with them. Nothing matters. So we arrived and everyone was there. All the sisters my brother, my nephew is also down, well he should be he is my oldest sisters son and only 5. When were together nothing matters and we have a laugh. The first conversation was about the wedding invites and how lovely and gorgeous they are. Of course they are we have amazing taste darling. So after the invites it went I got the ‘Sten’ do’s and what not. Since we have women coming on both of ours it’s not a stag so we mixed it together to make a Sten do, everyone is doing this, it is the modern age of course.
Following this we sat and watched wall-e. Love a Disney film. We all sat and watched it and all mesmerised by every scene like its the first time we watched it. A song played La Ve En Rose, if that’s how it’s spelt, and the last memory of that song was my Nans funeral. We always share a story about her. Try and make the mood more upbeat and positive otherwise we’d all just sit and cry. She was an amazing lady and touched everyone’s hearts. I know everyone says that about everyone but she really was. She had fought cancer multiple times and refused to give up. She would rock the bandana until her hair grew back. I think about her a lot. Everyday if I’m honest.
But I digress, so after the film we said goodbyes and then headed home. To which, since it was late, we ordered a Dominoes it had to be done! I say and had a small vodka and Coke but I couldn’t finish all of it. I can’t finish my alcoholic drinks anymore. We sat and watched a film and relaxed, had a wind down. Both once had finished it was bed time. Since I had a drink I didn’t want to take a sleeping tablet, paranoia regarding it. So I lay in bed, thinking like normal. I started to think of my nan and how much I missed her and then I realised I was having an episode but I tried to ignore it and tried my best to settle.
I managed to in the end and slept. I kept waking up at random times but one time as normal was around 3am. When I wake up at that time I always check and see to make sure it is the same time or similar. I then begin to think it’s some form of strange paranormal work taking place which always leads to an odd trail of thought. I managed to sleep again but from then it was broken and I was up at 7:07am. That’s me for the day.
So I’m awake. Tired. Incredibly tired and so unbelievably achey. I think I slept in a strange position. I also do that a lot. The best was the superman pose with the arm above the head but I managed to take my clothes off and left them hanging on my ankles. It was a sight to see. So I checked Facebook, like most people, checked emails and messages and everything else to make sure nothing had happened that was a major event or worldwide fear. I played on games and then at 9:45 to 10:10 Tom began to wake. I was so glad to see him wake up I was getting so figgity and felt like I should do something like Hoover. So he said let’s have breakfast and watch a film in bed. Amazing. I knew I loved this man for more than his looks! So he made breakfast and he put on Breakfast at Tiffanys. I’ve never seen it.
I started to watch the film and oh my was I confused at what was going on. But after 10 minutes I had this massive grin on my face. I fell in love with Holly. She was amazing. Completely bonkers and sane and so all over the place. I felt like I could relate to this person a lot. I always want the finer things in life but can never afford them. I’m not fully there and I loved her elegant and classy deminer. So we watched the film, I was in a state of heaven and Tom was relaxed. Perfect start to the morning, minus the tiredness.
So out of bed, I immediately felt lost. We had no plans! How is this?! We’re always hopelessly busy. So I got ready and I went into quiet mode. I don’t feel myself and I think Tom can see this. I feel so lost. I don’t feel stable. So I wanted to do something, anything I just felt like I needed to. This lead me to making a cheesecake. Just to point out it was lovely, if I do say so myself. I still felt lost, why is this happening?! Is it because tomorrow is Monday? No that can’t be it. The feeling didn’t pass. So I made us lunch and felt like using random things in it, so added a lot of chilli and herbs in an attempt to make it more adventurous, it was only a pizza sub baguette type thing.
We played the Xbox in an attempt to keep ourselves busy, but completed the game so felt even more lost than before! This feeling will not pass, I can sense that. Despite the fact the day was passing so quickly, more like blinking speed, we needed to do something. At this point it’s about 5:30ish roughly and we prepared dinner, by we Tom did. We had lost 4 hours playing games. Who would of thought!
My eye has been twitching all day, non stop. This just hasn’t helped me in the slightest with feeling odd and lost all day. It’s only just started to settle down but will have major twitching moments for non stop for 17 minutes roughly, yes I have clock watched. Now would this be down to the fact I am so tired? I can’t be dehydrated I’ve drank plenty of water. Strange. But this leads me to think about why it’s happening. Like normal the thinking begins. Does anyone else do this? I just keep finding it so odd.
My mood has picked up and I’ve become hyperactive. This will be the first time all day. It’s not due to sugar since I’ve had minimal amounts of that. It’s an episode. It has to be. So to try and calm myself down I’m writing this. We currently have the film Odd Thomas on and yes it is odd. Im trying to focus on that but even watching the film I’m asking myself questions about the film which I know answers will be given but seriously? Why can he see them? So others can see it too? Oh no maybe not. Wait they can? Do people understand him when he goes on about stuff? Wow this film is odd.
So to finish this off, I’m going to try and do something calming. I may drink some camomile tea, breathing techniques or something. I want a decent nights sleep tonight and want to be in bed early. Tablets will be taken at the rate I’m going. Oh the pleasure of Monday arriving so early. Yay!
This weekend has been odd. This film isn’t helping either but it’s interesting. I’m not going to sleep tonight am I? I wonder how many other people are like this, at this exact moment based on statistics. Hmm. I wonder… Nope I won’t be calm for a while. Yay. Let’s just hope that tomorrow I’m more of myself, like I used to be, hopefully. Doubtful. So cheers weekend. Let’s have you hurry again please so we can do a redo.
(Just for adding information, I’ve spent all weekend becoming more of a curtain twitcher, than I already was, by watching the new neighbour. She can’t park and thinks it’s acceptable to park across the path and vertically sticking the rear of the car into the road! This will be interesting to see if it persists!)