Monday 22nd February 2016 8:57pm
I have felt so lost today. Anyone else felt like this? Or is this just the Monday blues?
So this morning I awoke in a panic. I think I had a restless sleep but I know I went to bed calmer as Tom and I had a general conversation about absolutely nothing. It was bliss. So I awoke in a panic, not sure why my dream memory seems to be hazy. Do you ever get that? You remember why you feel a certain way for the whole of two seconds and then forget? No? Just me? Okay. Moving on…
So it’s a Monday morning. It doesn’t seem like nice weather in the slightest, but I’m guessing I’m not the only one who suffers from weather related moods. I did my normal routine and was ready in decent time for once but I felt lost. Do I have to go to work? I personally think today would of been better if I stayed in bed and knitted. But I went. Quiet as normal, mouse voice syndrome, however I just didn’t feel like myself, shock. I was in work 30ish minutes early which was normal back before I was off.
I was sat at my desk… I felt like a zombie. I didn’t know what I should do first. Do I open my emails? Should I make a drink? Do I just wait for 25 minutes and the start work when it’s closer to 9am? Oh I didn’t know. So I ended up going for a cigarette… Bad yes as I said I was quitting but I felt like it was deserved. So the cigarette was needed I perked up slightly, only slightly and this last mere minutes. Back in the office and boom zombie feeling strikes again.
I had received compliments about how I looked more human since the last time I was in. How it was good to see me again. I didn’t feel like it was. Do we ever feel like that? But I smiled and like a normal person would answer I replied along the lines of ‘why thank you, I do feel more myself and it’s good to be back, to an extent!’ Such a big fat liar. I haven’t told people in work why I was really off, well one of the reasons. I was signed off for stress, which lead to shingles which lead to further conclusion of bipolar which lead to me being contagious, which lead to the psychiatrist appointment which lead to medication and sleeping tablets. It was a strange journey whenever I visited the GP. So everyone at work was told I had shingles. All of which said its horrible that is, proper British accents and twang used.
So of course I had to lie and say I was better, none of them are any wiser! But I was still lost. This would continue throughout the day. I would stare at my screen thinking I should do that task but I really can’t seem to think why I should do it. I know I’m paid to do it but I just couldn’t focus on doing it. Anything for that matter. I thought about everything but work including why I always think of magic was real I’d have the magic power of water. I love water. It’s free. It forms whatever it likes. It can not be kept within a place naturally. You would never pass the same water strand in your life again. It’s just magical. So I based my focus on this and realised it was structurally solid proof.
The zombie effect state of whatever is still in play as mentioned it has been all day. I did eventually do work at some point in the day, time isn’t something I remember when, but only when I started to listen to music did I do work. I have listened to Sia’s album This is Acting more times than I could think of recently. It’s all I listen to at the minute. I find it empowering and vigorating. So I listened to the album once more. And then I felt I had done enough. I had a meeting which lasted an hour and 10 minutes and then, since it was close to 5pm I spent the rest of the day just plodding around. Mindlessly.
But once 5pm came I was on the home run. I could leave. I left in such a rush to come home and see Tom. As soon as I was with him I opened up slightly, only slightly, however once at home I was hyper and talking like normal, well fast paced. I just talked and talked. And now it’s faded quickly.
Today has been an interesting form of a day and the evening has been too. We watched Horns and it was brilliant, odd and strange but brilliant. Now I currently have Gypsy sat cuddled up to me fast asleep. Tom is half asleep. I think I could do with going to bed. I still feel lost.
I feel lost. I’m kind of fed up thinking that or even feeling that way. I need a new focus. I need to feel less Zombie and lost and more Andrew. I think that will be my new aim this week. Fingers crossed it works.
I know this post has been very speradic and ‘random’ but it’s how I’ve been feeling today. It doesn’t make sense throughout and does mix and match and break up and rejoin. I guess it’s just me.