Tuesday 23rd February 2016 10:18pm
So it’s Tuesday so that has to mean the weekend is even closer right? But why does it feel so far away! Why can’t we work as little as we need to and still earn the same amount of money?
Today in work I have realised a lot of people are ‘Treading lightly’ when it comes to talking to me. Do they know? I have told one person since I have been back and that’s only because I call her my work wife, everyone has a work wife! It is a normal thing. Has a manager blabbed and disclosed personal information? If so… Oh hell no! Not acceptable! It wouldn’t be the first time. But I can’t be sure of that despite the fact how people are acting. I guess it’s just a hunch.
So the zombie feeling has remained today, just like yesterday but it feels more apparent today since I know I’m going to be on my own at home this week. Tom is working away this week and since he has been by my side through everything I feel lost without him around me. I haven’t been able to quit smoking since I feel so lost and I’m struggling. Really struggling. So Tom isn’t around till Friday night which means I have to find a way to keep myself occupied and focused.
So whilst in work I had an idea to do a wine glass charm business, I mean I had this idea a while back when me and tom discussed it however I had more ideas on it. So I set up a Facebook page, came up with a name and the initial cost per charm if they weren’t a bespoke order, 70p per charm is actually incredibly cheap. I had a look at how much it would cost for us to buy everything we need and postage etc. Then I was thinking about how long it would take, this was because tom reminded me I need to get an actual plan together and the costs and taxable deductions and so forth. So I felt a bit destroyed but I kept thinking about it. I’ve decided I can do this. It maybe the focus I need.
Throughout work, all day, it’s all I’ve thought about. I have done work but I’ve had such difficulties trying to focus but this has gave me a focus. So I’ve decided this week after work I’m going to finish my knitting. Someone has asked me to make them an infinite scarf which I have a few more centimeters left to finish, once finished I will look and do an actual plan, a plan for charms. I can check how much it will cost to make each charm and base each cost on how much I have to pay out for. I can then look at how much profit I could make per charm or even large bespoke orders… That’s the plan anyway. What’s the bet by tomorrow evening I don’t want to do either of them as I can’t shift this low feeling I’ve been having cloud over me?
I would of done a plan tonight but I joined my mother playing bingo. She goes every Tuesday to take my grandad out and they have such a laugh, so tonight I joined. It’s been such a long time since I played and since I’ve been I have never ever won anything. I find the whole shouting out when you have a line, or two or even a full house incredibly intimidating and I feel like a large lump building in my throat. I notice I have an uncontrollable way of not being able to shout. I guess the anxiety overtakes the adrenaline at that period. But I know my mother and grandad watch over the paper as they’re pro’s and would shout for me, which would make me jump as they are so sneaky. But I didn’t win. None of us did even when we worked the maths out and the odds and it was possible for us to win we didn’t. Was such a fun night though. We played on all of the bandits and lost a fair bit of money but I was laughing with them. Oh how nice this feeling was.
I went for a walk in the interlude to get an electronic cigarette from the nearby shop. So this was my last purchase of the day. I’m going to give this a try as so many people have said they have worked for them. I have berry burst and fruit twist for my flavours, I have such a sweet tooth so this may help me. I’m really hoping this works as this feels like the last step. I’ve tried the chewing gum, fail. I’ve tried the mouth spray, fail. I’ve tried patches, fail. I’ve tried pretty much everything over a 3 year stretch and now I want to quit I am determined, I just find my state of mind unhelpful with this. I want to quit for me, for tom and to save money. Money does come into the equation, it comes into every equation.
Money worries and Heath issues… I’m such a catch right?! Just as well I have Tom, I would be lost without him. Do you find that when you have so much faith and trust in a person for all they have done for you, you would do anything for them? I do truly love him. With all my heart. I want to better for him at the least. I know it’s hard on him just as much as it for myself. I told him I bought him a present today, he has been stressing over excel and spreadsheets so I have bought him a excel book for beginners. He laughed when I told him but I know he really appreciates it.
Even when he’s not around I know he still thinks of me a lot, well I hope so. So for this week I’ll have the King size bed to myself, I say myself so I can spread out and sleep in as many weird positions as I would like however the cat will have a say in this. She will sleep on Toms side and if I go near here she will spread out further. She does take after her father!
Do all animals take after their owners? I know people say it about dogs however do cats? Do rabbitsS for that matter? I think it’s time to retreat to bed and think about these questions further. I will try not to and will probably forget as I keep having blackouts in my memory for some bizarre reason, temporally of course, but I’m sure something random will pop in my head. Why are more people flexible than others? Why do people believe they are animals trapped in a humans body?
Hmm… I wonder.