Saturday 27th February 2016 11:01pm
My posts seem to be getting later and later. I don’t do this intentionally I’ve just gotten into a habit where I post before I go to sleep or o am winding down. Most of the time it’s before I go to sleep, some instances have been very early on in the day which is normally a weekend post.
Last night after writing my latest post, Tom read it and made a comment to me along the lines of you’re not sick. It’s a mind frame and you’re not part of that.
So I did a bit of thinking whilst trying to get to sleep, usual habits. So my thoughts where based around what is being sick and what is an illness. I didn’t google this I just let it swim around in the thought bubbles it was in. Nothing more. Nothing less. This to me is an improvement! I’m not googling everything now and turning round saying yes I am dying, always ends up as you’re dying when you do your own investigation. Or I am going to have to have my arm or leg removed to stop X y z. Nope none of this is happening. I have stopped questioning everything more than what I have done in my own mind.
So, Toms words stuck to me. You’re not sick. You’re not in that mind frame. Well I was in that mind frame as it’s the first time in years I was told this is why you behave the way you do which is leading to further analysis. However he was right, I wasn’t ‘sick’ I was told something. I was given an answer and as soon as I was told this answer I plummeted into such a low. My moods got worse and all sorts. It’s only because of what he said that I can say he’s right. Why am I putting self into a box which isn’t even a proper box.
Mental illness isn’t a sickness. It’s nothing other than you work differently to someone else. My Tick is only a Tick as I’ve been told about it. You could have it but may not have been told about it. So I’m taking Toms words onboard.
Im going to change my perspective on things. Well attempt to. Instead of being sick I’m just different and that’s alright. No biggie, I’ve always been different let’s just add to it and class it all as me.
My mind frame has been so narrow and restricted recently. Everything has been black and white and that is it, no room for multitones, no room for anything else just by the by. I don’t like it being like this, it’s not me. I want to go back to the me I was before I was told what I had. I’m going back to the care free, annoyingly loveable person. This person has always been me and I guess has just had a vacation. That’s it. It had its own time away from me… I sound like such a horrible person wanting to having a holiday away from myself!
So positive mindframe. Positive attitude, to an extent i think that is, I can’t be positive about everything else I would be hated! Who is positive over the fact there’s only one more day left in the weekend?! But I digress, I shall try and put myself back in my shoes. Those really expensive shoes which I always buy and wear a few times then trash them and regret my decision. That’s the person I want to be.
So on a positive note, this week I have had at a maximum 4 fags. I would say less but I would be lying. That is from Monday to today. I have used my electronic cigarette and I am sticking to it. I am enjoying this whole fresh side of things although my throat is so sore and so is my mouth! Is this normal?! I don’t want to google this as if it says I need to have my tongue amputated I will cry. So I think I’m doing well on the whole quitting cigarette front. Yes I’ve replaced it with something else but eventually that will go, like previously said it may take weeks, months but it will. I will not become addicted to this too.
Oh and for the record yesterday’s post I wrote about recreational drugs. I am clarifying that I do not do this everyday, every weekend or every month for that matter it’s once in a blue moon, like 6-8 month time frame space and it’s only one smoke I have. Yes I said smoke. I don’t do anything else. I just wanted to clarify this fact as Tom said I sounded like an addict and I do it all the time. I don’t. I am a good boy, it’s rare. So rare that it was almost a year today that I had last had some. I’m not helping my case am i?
Well moving swiftly on! I had 8ish hours sleep last night! (See I can do positive.) Most sleep I’ve had in such a long time. Yes it wasn’t natural it was reduced by sleeping tablets but I slept! Tom had 8ish hours silence from my talking, well except sleep talking. I do that a lot. In fact I give out a lot of personal information out too, like once I gave someone’s bank details out and passwords all sorts. Bad isn’t it! I should get help for that at some point. But yes I had woken up a couple of times, moved position in bed and fell straight back to sleep. I clearly needed it as I’ve been so fucking exhausted recently! Could this be the effect of returning to the adult world?!
I don’t like it. I want to build a fort and hide. No adulting for me please! I may do this tomorrow… And play the Xbox… And have a face mask. Oh this sounds like a plan. I don’t think this will happen but it’s worth a shot.
I only came to write a small thing about how I should change my mindframe and how I am not classed as sick. But it seems to have been a whole lot more than that. I think that’s a good sign.
Another good sign is I finally set up the Facebook page for the charms! Check it out if you like, you can also send through a request, just say I sent you and I’ll understand what sort of discount to provide. It’s called Phimoublé Charms. So far we have 3 customers, all wanted random so they got random. I’m happy with this! See what a few hours doing something and putting your mind on a focus can really change things.
I feel like today has been a good point of change for me. I haven’t done a lot but what I have done I’m happy about. I’ve watched Spectre, I hate action films and the bond films, but I have to admit I enjoyed them, I guess that’s cause I watch them with Tom. I’ve watched shit TV, bought Mother’s Day presents, had a laugh, made the first payment for our wedding! Oh yes! Big adult choice that was! We are now skint for the month going forward and will be eating dust for a few weeks but it’s all worth it.
Now it’s time to try a natural sleep. I can’t say it’ll work instantly but worth a shot is t it. I feel it’s a good point to stop now before I go full crazy on everyone reading this and let out some very off topic and really uninteresting things, like how I keep having conversations in my head, but I haven’t answered them out loud just yet! Or the fact I am having complete black outs with what I’ve done or when or watched! So now time to sleep, maybe it’s because I’m so tired. Do you get like this? Does your mind do the same mine does or do you do something different to me? If you do share it why not.