The Dark Road Ahead.

Tuesday 1st March 2016 10:15pm

It’s Tuesday which means it’s a day closer to the marvellous days of Saturday and Sunday, also known as the weekend! It’s the 1st day of the new month which just means 17 more days till my birthday! And we just had an extra day this year… So far it’s turning out positive for March right?

Well… I didn’t post anything yesterday as I didn’t actually need to. I didn’t feel like posting anything yesterday. I had been to work and the day just seemed to go by so quickly, did anyone else find this? I don’t know if it was because of all the hype of a leap day and all the fuss it gets or if it was just an odd day. But after work I didn’t want to do anything other than do something, if that makes sense? I wanted to do something but wasn’t sure what so we went to toys r us. Oh yes. We went to that place! We went searching for a board game, or card game or some form of game and ending up coming away with something for myself and Tom and a lava lamp as well as a present for Toms nephew. We have such a rock n roll life!

Once we had finished raiding toys r us and being giant children, we decided we should get food. This is the catch because we were at this point starving and hadn’t eaten we wanted everything! We bought anything we thought we would like! I ended up eating half a block of halloumi cheese a pizza and some pizza pocket bite things. There wasn’t a need for all of that! But it was nice. We were in the grazing food zone. It’s a deadly zone as you can eat the perfect amount and be happy or if you eat that one slice or one bite more you’re in the I’m going to explode and I can’t get comfy as every part of my body has developed extra fat instantly! I was bordering both. Never happened before but it happened. First time for everything.

But we watched transformers age of extinction and went to bed, this was the normal rough sleep which doesn’t help any person. This ended the Leap day we had. It was so odd. We awoke and it’s the normal day. It’s a Tuesday. It’s a new month. All is bright. Wrong. I awake in an odd place. I felt like I was with it but I wasnt. Does that make sense? Do you experience this? I awoke and it felt robotic with my morning routine. I felt oblivious to everything and felt like a change was needed. I hadn’t felt myself all day.

My work colleague has had issues with her body today and I was concerned and worried about her! Tom didn’t seem himself in the slightest and I was worried about him! I’m just worried about everyone! I don’t want people to worry about me, as I’ll do that but, I want them to feel strong and confident like I’ve been trying to do. But everyone seems like they’re going down a dark road and they’re all so fed up. Everyone. Absolutely everyone. Which makes you realise, everything infront of you is a dark road. You can’t Β see your hand infront of your face. You can’t see what lies ahead but you know something is there. You don’t know what will happen if you do the thing you’re gunna do. It could be an amazing thing, it could be an average everyday thing. It could be the worst thing for that moment in time which leads to another dark road which is the vicious cycle. You could go down the dark road and have rainbows and butterflies around you as you just won the lottery by buying that impulsive ticket. So Why do we instinctively go for the worst as humans? If it’s new and it’s a dark road that we will never have experienced before we instantly go for the worst. Like work for example. You receive an email and you know how to reply but you wondered down a different dark road and now you’re telling the person you don’t care, in a much politer way of course, and you immediately jump to I’m going to get sacked. I shouldn’t of said that and you then have 1000 scenarios appear before your eyes.

Whereas you could get a reply saying I appreciate your honesty thank you, have you thought of X, Y and Z for this instead? You could open a new door but we don’t focus on that and when this appears we try and close it as its a new reality outside of the one we are currently in. It could be better or worse but we don’t want to risk it. So let’s close the door on that.

Everyones dark roads are different. No one knows what we are thinking. No one knows what we are about to do. We don’t know what we’re about to do until a few seconds before and then bam. We’ve done it. We then question and think of what we’ve done and we doubt and imagine things instantly. Nothing is ever good enough.

I read something today which made me chuckle and then question something.

What if people who are told they have a mental illness actually don’t. They are perfectly healthy. There isn’t anything wrong with them , they are actually more intelligent, creative and in perspective a better person. What if it’s the people with no mental illness who are really ill. What if they’re the ones who are ill and have covered everything up so they can make others feel worse for the fact they aren’t the normal ones. What if everything is backwards? What if this is the case and the people who stand before you who don’t function the same as yourself or think or act like you do are the ill ones?

Have you thought of that? Maybe the dark roads of those with the ‘Mental Illness’ is actually the brightest road possible to anyone and they have been tricked. Put on tablets as they have been told their moods aren’t healthy. They aren’t healthy in general because of their actions. What if these tablets are making those with the illness more like the ones without which in fact is the ill ones?

I know it’s farfetched and very twisted but all because I read something earlier, I questioned it within myself and now I am questioning the bigger picture. Is this how conspiracy theory’s start?

Ive also been singing David Bowie in my head non stop for 4 days. I never knew how many of his songs I could sing along to. Or the fact they make me feel all warm inside. His voice was so over powering and unique and I feel I missed the chance to really listen and appreciate his music whilst he was alive. But then would I appreciate it more now he’s passed as it will always be and can not be changed?

Ive been singing Magic, Dance non stop. Particularly this song. I just find it beautifully odd. I could sing it non stop all day. I doubt I would physically be able to and I would definitely sound way off key but I would try. Even as I write this I am singing the song in my head.

You remind me of the babe. What babe? The babe with the power. What power? The power of Voodoo, who do? You do, you remind me of the babe… I saw my baby! (If this is wrong then my whole life is a lie.)

As I have wrote this post tonight I’ve been heading home. I’ve been sat in the car whilst Tom navigates down country lanes. We’ve been to see his old village friends for a meal and they are such a fun lot. Completely charming and all very different but utterly brilliant all of them. Couldn’t of met such nicer people. I digress as I was writing about the fact I’m sat in a car. So the whole journey home it’s been black. Pitch black down these roads and you can’t see what’s ahead of you, unless you have your lights on.

That is what inspired me to write today. What inspired me to write about what I’ve thought about all day. I don’t feel myself but I’m still trying to be strong. I am not sick. I am normal. I’m just having off days from positivity. I’m currently going down my own Dark roads and I’m struggling to make out wether I’m going the right or wrong way.

I also can’t think of another name for a Monday: nothing stands out. It’s strange I just end up going back to moanday which sounds like Monday but more of a depressing day. Then I think monsterday. Why? I’m not sure but it could work right?

I think days of the week are going to have to stay as they are. We’re just going to have to use social media to change how we view them. Or we could try word of mouth but I don’t think it would get terribly far. It may do but I am not overly positive.

Lets see what “hump day” has to bring. Let’s see if it goes as fast as the other days. In a blink of an eye and it’s gone. Onto Thursday… And repeat till the weekend.


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