Friday 4th March 2016 8:27pm
It’s Friday, Friday gotta get down on Friday. No. That has to be one of the most annoying songs possibly ever made. If you don’t agree you will do if you sit and listen to it for a few times.
All I want to do when I finish work is come home, eat, put slobs on instantly, like as I walk through the door it magically happens and drink tea or fizzy drinks. I don’t want to go out anymore. I feel like it’s become a waste of money, spending £60 to get drunk, having black outs from the night, making a twat of yourself and being around people you hate… No thank you. And what is that feeling you have when you lay down after being out and you can’t make heads or tails of your room and nothing is working and you want to die?! No. I would rather have a cup of tea and watch shit.
Tonight since coming home from work, I say tonight but I left work at 1 as I had a doctors appointment and I didn’t want to make the time up. So I left work at 1. Walked home in this horrible snow/hail weather in a foul mood as I was so wound up from work. Luckily when I got home I was happier as that was it till Monday. I had 4 hours extra for my weekend. What a treat.
So foul mood from work. Walk home was calming as I listened to random music ranging from RDX to David Bowie to Boney M to Rupaul, oh yes my music is very mixtured. I come home to see Tom working from home. So I had a rant. He was surprised and shocked but I’m over it. I don’t care any more. I work, come home and that’s it. So we had a natta, he’s a poorly man at the minute so he isn’t too happy, we went the doctors for my appointment.
This appointment was to get more antidepressants. I have 2 left and I don’t want to take a break. I feel psychologically they may work. So sat in the waiting room. I genuinely felt like I was cheating being there as I was the only person in this waiting room who didn’t look like I was close to deaths door. I know that’s horrible to say and if anyone is I’m sorry, it’s just a figure of speech. I felt like I was in the wrong place. So 15 minute wait and then I was called in. It was the same doctor who gave me them last time. So I explained why I’m there and how I have only 2 tablets left and want to have continuous tablets cover. She smiled, is this good or bad? I had mixed feelings about this smile. But explained how I don’t feel different. I have lows and highs a lot more now. Is this right? I don’t think it is. So I asked and one reply she gave was well are you still crying randomly? Nope. I’m not anymore. She said this is good so it can take 6 weeks to take a further effect properly which would take me just before the psychiatrist appointment. I’m happy with this answer, let’s carry on.
She always asks if I have suicidal thoughts and my answer is always no. I would never say yes as I don’t want the 17th phone number written down again but I don’t have thoughts. I’ve had dreams about it which isn’t that unusual is it? Sometimes when I switch off I have had incredibly vivid daydreams. Like I can sit there and then boom I’ve died and I’ve seen it happen and I’ve seen how everyone is effected. And then I panicked a little bit so I look around and see if what kills me could happen to avoid it.
I know this is odd and slightly unusual but I’ve always had this, just like I answer conversations I have in my head out loud. Nothing new.
Bish bash bosh. Done doctors finished now let’s carry on with the early finish. This was followed by discussing what to have for dinner whilst driving to Tescos to get my prescription. This conversation was short and brief as we both wanted a stodgy takeaway. Has to be done. Both feel bad and low so of course we get a takeaway it’s the perfect pick me up. So after getting the prescription we went Toys R Us. This is to get a present for someone. Perfect. Done. Homewards bound.
So we drove home. Sorted. We can wind down. I was playing on the laptop and then went to make some little charms for the Facebook page. Go check them out there Disney themed, Phimouble Charms.
Whilst making these I was thinking about Love. Very powerful word. I love Disney, genuinely do it’s amazing. I love Tom. I love our life together. I love our cat. I love the fact we’re getting married. I love my family and friends, not all friends but some.
Why do we feel love? Is it a chemical reaction in our brains to make us feel content and happy? But why do we have it? I could never say I haven’t experienced love before so I don’t know what this feels like, but I don’t know what it feels like to not have love. I have loved someone who is no longer with us, is this the same thing? I don’t know.
Love is a big thing to me. It holds a lot of emotions. It holds the answer to everything, well that’s my theory. I don’t know why my thoughts went to this. I was ma,I got charms but like I said it was Disney this maybe why. Who knows. I just felt a bit emotional over this feeling and wanted to cry as I was happy with the Love I have in my life.
I’ve decided I don’t want anything else as I have it all, well except our perfect wedding and a new house with a cinema room. Doesn’t that sound nice? Perfect if ask me.
But I don’t know if it was the fact I was thinking of all of this that I wanted to cry or the fact I’m so drained. I’m so over today. I’m over this week to be honest. I was happy to speak to my sister tonight as she is pretty immense. She’s amazing. She has always been full of life and will put me in a good mood. I’m looking forward to a weekend seeing family. However I want Monday morning at 9am to come round slowly so I can go and see what is going to happen and what the fuss is about.
Im now going to knit, watch Knight and Day and have some custard creams and drink Tea. I am so Rock n Roll on a Friday night its fucking unbelievable, like insane. Then tomorrow we shall go for a lovely morning walk with the bestie Rhia and the dog Bertie. The dog is called Albert and is Rhias just to let you know we haven’t bought a dog overnight.