Tuesday 8th March 2016 9:18pm
The longest day of the week. The longest day of the year it feels like, today genuinely felt like it had lasted 3 weeks… Nope. It had only been 6 hours when this feeling kicked in. Horrible, nasty feeling. I’m glad tomorrow is Wednesday and the week is slowly coming to an end… Yes we aren’t half way there yet but it’s coming closer and closer.
I mentioned how I was excited for Monday morning in the last thing I wrote. Well… What a pile of rubbish. What a build up of nonsense and misdirection that was. So we arrived at my appointment. I was fuelled on a cup of tea, a wheatabix and an incredible lack of sleep. Anxiety had played it’s fabulous part all morning and I by the time I had sat down on the second floor reception I apparently looked pale, white as a ghost.
So let me explain about this incredible building. Orange bricks. Two floors of orange bricks. Large windows and window vinyl across each one stating what they offer. The receptionist was lovely. Very friendly and was a breath of fresh air on a Monday morning. She made you feel welcome in this clinical looking building. So I had to walk around reception into a tiny door and was told to go up the flights of stairs to the second floor. So up I ran. I regretted not taking the lift. They felt never ending, like it was some form of game that this level was torturous and was based on testing your endurance. Well I got to the top eventually. I saw an L shaped sofa which was a very vibrant lime green, in an odd way it was lovely. I wanted it. So I waited and was greeted by a lady, the one who told me I was white, she told me not to worry don’t get worked up and to try and relax. Relax?! Is she delusional?! This is out of my comfort zone and is very different for a Monday morning how could I relax? I was about to be interrogated by a specialist about work and what I could be doing.
So at 9.04am on the dot she called me into this room. This lady. About 5ft 7. Everything about her was middle aged. Her clothes. How she walked, middle aged people now have a certain walk… I’ve decided this. The way she dressed, the way she spoke. Everything. Even her vocabulary was middle aged. Longer words for a simpler meaning. I didn’t need this. But I endured and spoke like I should do and answered questions like I should.
I had to explain my job role, normal structure and habits I have or any times I switch off in the day. If I struggle outside of work. You know the whole shabang. Not leaving any stone unturned. Well. She was thorough. She asked question after question and would repeat these questions to try and catch me out. I was clearly far too smart for that game and I think it agitated her slightly. But in the end we talked and she sounded so confused by why I was there. She noticed I was figgity and I spoke incredibly fast. I speak fast anyway but this was apparently too fast. This happened again today and I actually spoke that fast I forgot to breath! I just don’t get how I managed to get into a situation like that but it happened. It happens.
So after this meeting, I was convinced I was going to loose my job. I was certain she would say he can’t do the full hours he’s meant to so he shouldn’t be working or at least say he should work part time which as soon as I thought this, boom 1000000000 scenarios appeared all of which I ended up homeless and alone. Very very unlikely I know but still. Anyone else do this?
So I got to work, was greeted by the work wife, I have mentioned her previously in a post. She had told me I wasn’t in till 12:30 and everyone was aware of this, all except me. I was told I needed an hour and a half so I was there and walking into the building at 10:45… If I knew I had till 12:30 I would of milked it and went for a coffee with Tom. Oh he came with me and was an absolute gem like always! Would of been a lot worse of a wreck if he wasn’t there that day or in general. But I digress and begin to work. So I was in work when I was told I was off but hay ho. That day ended quicker than today.
So last night we started to watch Luther. Ever watched it? It’s so bizarre and yet strangely addictive. Should look it up its on Netflix, which is in everyone’s household right?! We watched this constantly as we became instantly hooked from the start. You have crazy people and a bad mouse in a group. Yet we both fell in love with the crazy lady from the first episode as she just seemed so brilliant. Her character is amazing and you do just begin to like her regardless of what she may or may not have done.
Once we watched a few hours of this it was bedtime. We needed sleep. We both had been exhausted all day and refused to leave the programme until we watched half a season, just to add we were in bed by 10:25pm which is normal time. But I couldn’t settle. I was so distracted and in overdrive from what was going on in general life. Everyday life. I made a decision last night I didn’t want to be an adult anymore. I wanted to play games and forget problems, I do that on my iPad and phone and 3DS and whatever else. I find them a release and I play strategy games so I have to think, plan and work out what’s going to happen before it does which I enjoy. As if I’m wrong it can go good or bad in these games. I think this has spread into my real life. I feel I plan and base what I can do based on what everyone else is doing or how they are acting.
Last nights sleep was horrible. Myself and Tom both had a rubbish sleep. We’d both get warm and then be cold or if too close in bed had to move away as it became hotter quicker. We both woke up constantly. Kind of like on the hour every hour at a certain point. This morning though, after being awake since 6:35, like wide awake unable to drift back to sleep again, I thought I’d done something horribly wrong. I had horrific dreams. I thought I’d hurt Tom and fucked up somehow. So this morning I was so unsettled and so lost. Tom isn’t a morning person and I am. I can talk within 3 seconds of waking up for an hour continuously. Tom needs 20 minutes sometimes to fully wake up before engaging in conversation. So I thought he was off with me as he was quieter than normal. But he was just tired, I found this out after he left as he left to go to London for the day, so he was out earlier than normal.
So despite being tired, despite the fact I thought I’d screwed everything up, despite the fact before 8am I was having a horrible day – all of which was in my head as if I created everything and it began to fluctuate to my emotions and physical state. Despite the fact it’s only a Tuesday… Today has been horrible. In general. It’s dragged, it’s been slow and everybody I have spoken to have all agreed today has been a No go day. Although one person in work made me smile. I finished her mums scarf she asked me to do and brought it in on Monday and as a thank you her mum bought me some Celebrations. It was such a lovely gesture. Now I can’t wait to see what my brother gets me as a thank you for knitting him some slippers! Just joking about that part, I don’t want anything as a thank you it helps me focus.
I need a reset button. I need a reset button for this week so far. Tonight we are planning to stay up later in the hopes that we can sleep longer and in general have a deeper sleep. Let’s hope it works, plus we are really into Luther and want to finish more episodes in the second season.
Lets see how I feel tomorrow morning. Let’s hope I don’t create an alternative situation In which I ruin everything from having a dream because I’m that tired I can’t tell reality from imagination.
Also anyone interested it’s my birthday in 10 days. I plan to get wasted this weekend to celebrate and next weekend for my birthday. Oh and you can all buy something off Phimoublé Charms on Facebook as that would make me very happy!