Wednesday 9th March 2016 11:30am
youre going to see a lot of spelling mistakes today so please don’t judge me. It will all make sense when you read through today’s post. Oh and this is posted via a phone.
Time for me to be honest. I can’t cope anymore. Between the fear at work that I’ll be sacked and the fear at home that I’ve been the biggest fuck wit ever.
It doesn’t help that I’m that deprived in sleep that my mind is running a million miles at a time. It also doesn’t help that whilst at work I’m checking an email between each task. I’m currently writing this I between each task I complete. For every task I complete in work that equates to 2 minutes writing time, best way for me to avoid complete lack of focus and to work whilst clearing my mind with everything flying through it and blocking me from seeing clearly.
I have the worst headache. It’s not a migraine as I can see and focus but it’s there. The pain is real. It hurts and its obstructing my metaphorical view. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve been listening to Kanye West. On repeat. Under normal circumstances this would be torture. This isn’t tho. I feel like screaming along to the song. It’s the song Monster featuring every Tom, Dick and Harry. But I just can’t stop listening to it today.
“Oh just another lonely night. Are you willing to sacrifice your life”
“Everybody knows I’m a mother fucking Monster.”
“I crossed the line and I’ll let God decide. And I wouldn’t last these shows, so I’m heading home.”
At the minute I do think I’m a monster. I try and do the right thing but I never seem to get it right. It makes it even worse. Like right now as I’m writing this in work there’ll probably be repocusions however the person next to me, is sat watching a movie on Netflix on her phone. How is this acceptable?!
Where is the justice? Where is the line we are all crossing when we do wrong? How come not all of us are approved of doing the right thing? Why is it acceptable that if someone else does what I do they would be treated as a saint, but I’m treated like a monster, like I’m the worse thing around in the world at the minute.
I had one of the most disturbed dreams I’ve had in a long time last night. It felt so real I couldn’t work out of it was a dream or if it really happened. I dreamt I died. The monster was slayed by his own hands. I dreamt I killed myself to end all the misery and pain I cause. I even left the house to do it and wasn’t near home so it wouldn’t disturb anyone. I was in tears and was soaking wet from perfusely sweating. This was also happen outside of the dream. I was terrified but it felt like it was the right thing to do.
When I woke up from this I just lay there. I didn’t want to move incase I did do it in real life. I became even more terrified and realised that I had a monster living inside me. I didn’t want to move incase I became weak. I couldn’t physically do anything other than lay there. I became a coward over this monster inside me. Once I had retrieved my bearings that had scattered all around me, I focused and thought I would do that. I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave Tom on his own to pick up my pieces. What about my mum?! My family?! They would hate me. I couldn’t do that to them.
This morning or mid sleep awakening time whatever stage of day it was. That was the weakest ive ever felt in years. Like I was beaten and was going to loose control. I do need help if this is happening. I can’t let it happen again. Something needs to be done. I can’t be happy in the evening and then have this feeling Of lack of sleep because I have this monster battle going on.
I refuse to say I’m sick as I’m not. That’s not the right mindset but I have a problem. A big problem. I need to handle this Monster into a bird or something happier. It’ll turn my insides rotten, my mind everything. I can’t have that. That’s not a way to live.
Help. Slay the Monster. Rebirth.
Thats what’s needed. Rebirth. Purity. I don’t want to be in work. I want to be in a countryside walking, just walking, possibly for a few miles. Just being free for a bit before returning to life.
Ive also cracked and had a red bull today. Probably the worst thing to do which hasn’t helped my headache as I can’t stop moving. I have constantly had a twitch going on. Not good.