The Fear.

Tuesday 15th March 2016 – all day update.

The fear. The lack of sleep. The early morning wake ups. The clammy hands. Uncontrollable terrors. The clear and ignorant views of others. The constant pain.

Those feelings have not left for a few days. I thought if I could be positive and put out positivity then I would receive positivity back! Why am I not? Why is I receive these feelings? Why do I have them when I am trying to be positive.

I don’t want to have negative or unhappy feelings anymore. I want to be what people class as ‘normal’ and ‘stable’ with emotions. I don’t want to have dreams where I wake up terrified to talk to people or say I had this dream last night and get the ridiculous tuts and comments of how it’s not normal.

Why do I have them? Why can’t every single person have the same structure when it comes to mental health?! Why is it only some and not others? Why do we have to suffer and others can carry on and do as they please? How is this fair? Why is it that when we are low we bring everyone else down with us and always get the blame but when someone else is and they bring you down you still get the blame as they say your ‘illness’ effected them? Why is the world such a messed up place!

It sounds dramatic, well incredibly dramatic but I do hate this world. I wouldn’t take myself away from Tom or my family but I do hate it. I don’t think I have the physical capacity to do anything regarding these feelings except make people worry and think I’m not stable. I don’t want that.

I want to try and put positive feelings and energy from me into whatever’s around me so I can receive it back but at the minute, every single person is in such a low and negative state of mind. It’s difficult to be positive when everyone around you is saying how crap everything is. How everything isn’t going right. How the government are messing things up for us to live and because we’re working class we will never achieve to anything.

People around us are currently in a worse state of mind than anyone with a mental health issue.

Everywhere I look on social media or in actual media there is a story about mental health and how we need to help it more. We need to do something about it. Or everyone has a story about it and they had a miraculous recovery and are classed as ‘normal’ within 3 weeks? How is that possible? Surely that’s just them being low as their partner broke up with them or something? Is there really a way to help mental illness in such a short space of time? If so why can’t we all have this so called help?

Why do some get it and others don’t? Anyone who says they are depressed or suffering from something more they get asked the million pound question: Are you suicidal?

Now… That question is an odd one. Are we meant to say yes we are so we get help quicker but taken to a special place where normal is deprived. Or do we say no and continue with medication. A lot of the time people always say no because they aren’t, well they say they aren’t. When in reality they would never act on something due to the fear and repocusions their acts will have on every single person around them. Is that fair? Those who do act upon the thoughts normally are the ones with little or no fear. Just pain.

Myself, I have the fear. I wouldn’t act on any thought like that. At one point in my teenage years, when I came out as gay and was attacked by my school and generally beaten up for being different in a way they weren’t used to seeing I did try. I didn’t want to live a life where I was attacked for being different. Where being gay was wrong. I tried a few times but each time was unsuccessful. At one point I even set a part of my arm on fire just to see if it hurt. It did. I have a tattoo over it and luckily I put it out quickly so I have a small burn mark. No one ever knows where it is but I can see it everyday.

Now ive grew up and accepted me for me and who I have with me in my journey I’m glad my attempts had been unsuccessful. I didn’t think of what my family would of done but seeing how they act whenever someone dies I can imagine it would of broken them completely. It would break any of us if we lost one another so I’m glad I’m still around. Yes I have depression and anxiety and potential bipolar or whatever but I’m still here, I may not be like the next Harry or Sally but I’m Andrew. I’m me.

So why do we do it? Why do we have thoughts to try and push us to do something we would never normally do? Do those with any form of mental illness suffer more or does everyone?

I am trying so hard to stay strong at the minute but I feel so broken. Why me? I would love to take a knife and remove the fat off my stomach or thys but I have that fear that what if I did it wrong and I suffer for the rest of my life? Or what if someone else has to suffer because of it? On Friday night I had to listen to my manager tell someone we work with that a more senior manager called her team obese… How is that right?! Why would someone do that? I couldn’t work out what’s worse the fact my manager told someone or the fact a senior manager said it about us?

How is that fair? I can imagine if I put something in like a complaint or grievance then they will try and get rid of me. How is this acceptable?

I will always go back to the point I always say; humans are a messed up species. We can’t be happy unless we make someone feel less superior and we run what we can in their faces. Not everyone does this but a lot of people do. Why do we? I know it’s all the alpha male traits and stuff but in every  single thing we do, why is it necessary?

I am struggling at the minute. I don’t know what to do to try and lift my mood. I’ve tried to relax, I’ve tried talking, I’ve tried so many things but nothing is working. I feel like such a lost cause at the minute. I feel like I’ve brought Tom down so much recently. I hate that feeling. I want us to run away.

Fuck everything I want us to get up, look at somewhere go find somewhere and go for it. We’d struggle and be alone but that may set us off on the right path. Well for the time being. I think the city we live I had brought us to such a low mood.

Ive never had issues in the area we live in but recently that feeling has gone. Trouble is brewing and I’m not liking it. I don’t feel safe. It’s gotten rougher and more dangerous. I don’t like it.

I don’t fell myself any more. I’m lost. I’m full of fear of everything which is something I’ve never had! I don’t know what to do. The only thing I can think of is listening to Sia’s album This Is Acting as that made me feel so empowered and stronger but it hasn’t recently.

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