The Lost Determination.

Wednesday 16th March 2016 – all day update

Its hump day again. The days are merging into one. Does anyone else feel like this? That everyday has merged into one and it feels like an endless cycle?

Why do we have that kind of feeling? Is it due to the lack of sleep? If that’s the case we’re all going to be doomed at some point or another. How long does this feeling last?

I woke up at about 3:48am this morning. I was fully prepared to get myself sorted for the day as I was unaware of the time. It was only when I looked at the time I felt stupid. I felt like I was the unacceptable person, who is awake at that time freely and is awake naturally not because of alcohol or the urge to pee? I couldn’t settle to go back to sleep despite how hard I tried. It’s bad that it gets to a stage we have to try and sleep. So began to think. The dangerous past time we all do.

I thought that since I’ll be home alone tonight I’ll do workouts. I’ll get myself started on the fitness as we’re running out of time. I set an imaginary goal and timeline in place and within 5 minutes the only thing I could say to it was: Do I really have the motivation today? I wasn’t even out of bed and I was questioning my motivation which will inevitably effect my motivation for the rest of the day.

Shockingly enough it did. My motivation was bleak today. I couldn’t focus on work. Instead I was more interested in what sales are currently ongoing as well as looking at puppies. Tom and I have said we will get a puppy eventually, more than likely after the wedding and honeymoon but still no harm in looking at the minute.

I find everything else so much more interesting other than what I’m meant to be doing. Does everyone else find this?

I can’t even find the motivation to write on this anymore. I have typed this post over and over and each time deleted part and redone it. In the end I think I’ve just given up. I went with the last motivation I have and am posting this.

I have ended up going to bed incredibly early. I’m currently in bed now and it’s 9:30. I won’t be able to sleep or settle but I’m in bed. I’ll more than likely watch something on my iPad whilst playing a game on the phone. It’s such a hard life. I guess there isn’t any excitement when Tom isn’t around. I think I got into a retreat mode when Tom isn’t here.

I loose all interest in everything. I just give up on these days and nights. Bad timing really as I don’t want to do this as it seems like I’m always relying heavily on him but I don’t want this to be the case going forward. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet and feel strong however I just don’t. I don’t know why, I just don’t.

I just don’t get what’s up at the minute. Everyone is still so negative around us but is that going to be the main reason to make my mood plummet? It can’t be. I know it’s not great to have that around you but still.

I don’t know what to do. Oh god I’m so lost. I’m so tired. I’m so mleh!

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