The Void.

Saturday 26th March 2016 8:36am

I haven’t wrote anything in a while, 9 days to be exact. Not much has actually happened in those 9 days.

We had St Patrick’s day. My birthday on the 18th which means I’m another year older, still always considered a ‘baby’ or ‘young’ by a lot of people around me. We’ve had Good Friday yesterday and it’s the bank holiday weekend.

So I’m going to jump back to the 18th. My birthday. I always get excited over my birthday, I don’t go to work and I spend it with my Fanily. So Tom, my mother and I went to Birmingham. We went for a day of shopping! Can’t go wrong can you? Although I was worried about price, obviously I wasn’t going to go mad and pick 5 things from every shop and then some, but I always feel cheeky. My mother wanted me to pick presents this year as there is nothing I wanted, nothing I needed. So we did that. We went round an I just picked a few things, but I was always checking the price. I didn’t want to take advantage and I didn’t want to seem ungrateful but I couldn’t work out the thin line balance between them! But it was a lovely day. We did lunch, we went to the champagne bar for a mid shop break! We had such a lovely day! It ended by us all going round to TGI Fridays for drinks and back to my mothers for a game of Disney monopoly! Yes Disney monopoly! You can’t beat Disney! Was perfect.

The next day, up early out and in the car on the way to Manchester. Tom’s present was a weekend away and…. Tickets to see Ellie Goulding! I was so excited! I have been since I found out but I was like a child on Christmas! It was going to be an amazing weekend! So on our way to Manchester, nothing to report as all drivers where shocking being careful and cautious when driving for the first time ever. Arrive in Manchester and we could start the day. We did a bit of shopping, it’s needed clearly. So around the shops we went, nothing that stood out realistically except a handful of expensive items which I knew was a no go as we aren’t made of money. Tom treated himself to boots he’s wanted for years! I was treated! We went for a Drink mid shop again just to keep our spirit levels high enough. And then back to the hotel.

At this point I had no clue what hotel we where staying in. Still a big surprise. We got our bags from the car, rolled round the corner and there it was. The Malmaison. Beautiful hotel. Quirky and all. Perfect. We checked in and unpacked our luggage and new items, tried clothes on and then I had a bath. I felt like it was needed. My body ached but I didn’t want to make it too obvious. So I lay in the bath and Tom ordered champagne for the room, so I inevitably had a glass or two whilst relaxing in the bubbles!

We got sorted went for a meal, which I may add was lovely! Can’t beat Italian food especially when it’s covered in cheese and chilli’s! Then for more drinks! We ended up meeting someone we met once in a village for Toms friends birthday. This little lady is brilliant! She’s full of life and no cares at all. So we had a drink or two with her and then off to see Goulding! So we had seating tickets as the last time I went to see someone I was standing and I couldn’t see. I was the shortest person there and I just stood and recorded the whole show so I could watch it through my phone at the same time. Not ideal but was again a great night! So we’re sat in our seats. Made friends with two straight girls next to Tom as you do. We saw a band called Lany and they weren’t that bad. Then her supporting act was John Newman. He was incredible! He got very sweaty very quickly though.

Then on came Ellie. A beautiful lady! Her voice was amazing. She performed amazing and what’s also amazing is the fact she’s still a young performer and can progress and own everything she does! I can’t wait! But all I’ll say about the concert was it was perfect! We drank. We sang along. We got everyone in our row up and dancing. We had a cuddle and a sway to some of her songs. Even a tear or two! She was brilliant. I couldn’t of asked for anything like that night. Nothing woukd beat it concert wise and birthday present wise.

The next day we went to see my sister on the way home, a little stop off. She lives Newark/Lincoln way and it’s only an hourish away from where we live. So only a little detour. So we arrive at my sisters. Excited nephew is all jumping around and dressed as a young Tom cruise, dogs excited to see us, sister very laughable and incredibly bubbly happy to see us arrive. We played in the garden and had a nerf war with my nephew. He played with the dogs and we had Sunday dinner which was lovely. It was a real treat for us. My sister had gotten me the most ideal present I could of ever thought of. She had gotten me a penguin knitting bag! Perfect! I needed a new one as mine didn’t hold the needles or the wool properly! Amazing! She was so excited to see me open it as she knew I’d love it and she was right! I do love it!

So after a very entertaining day and to end the weekend we headed home and relaxed watching a film with a few nibbles. Perfect.

So I had work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday! Meh! I wasn’t in the mood to work.

I was tired, exhausted, drained all kinds of knackered! I wanted to be at home in bed watching Netflix and doing nothing! I didn’t want to work. Work was horrible! It was so boring and stressful! I don’t think I like working there anymore. We had a leadership meeting and asked us to be honest and I was. I think because of how honest I’ve been I think they will try and push me out of the company. I don’t care if they try to but I would t stand down without a fight. I will work and perform as I have been as its unquestionable that I achieve targets and figures etc however my attitude in work is if there’s work I won’t talk. I just think they’ve had enough of me and are looking to use an excuse to get rid of me. They will probably use the depression/Bipolar excuse and say due to this you’re not working like you should or something, which is a load of shit as I’m still hitting above the required workload and I’m doing more work than other staff. Basically they don’t like me and I think, no I’m sure I don’t care. I will work, come home and not give it an opinion. If they try  they try and they will loose when it comes to myself. I don’t back down easily.

So once those 3 horrible days had passed I was clear! I am on annual leave! I have till the 31st off and I work one day next week! Couldn’t be happier about this.

So what happens when you have a day off? You get ill. I am so pissing ill and tired it’s ridiculous! It doesn’t help that toms also ill. But my first day on annual leave and I’m ill! Horrible! Karma for something I have done which I’m not sure about. Not fair!

But Thursday I sat and knitted. Watched crap Tv. Looked after Tom was nice and easy. Yesterday however was different! I was up making Charms tidying the house up and Tom came down white as a ghost struggling to breathe. He had an albas oil steam and it made him worse! We had to go to the doctors. So off we went. I said I’d drive my car but he was adement that he would drive as it was safer! He couldn’t bloody see properly! But he drove. It is 5 minutes down the road but still.

Checked him in and he was called to triage. The Walk In Centre was rammed. The wait time was 4 hours and Tom said as soon as we got there I want to go home I’m fine. Liar. So we waited 20 minutes and he was called in. 5/10 minutes passed no sign of him yet and then the doctor came out and called me in. So I went in walked into the room and was shocked. There was Tom hooked up to a Nebuliser, sweating uncontrollably fighting for breathe! The doctor told me an ambulance had been called and we had to go to a&e. I panicked. I had my mother on the phone and she was coming to the centre to meet me to get toms car keys. I had Tom holding my hand apologising, which he didn’t need to! But all the fear and panick I had he had. This has never happened before.

Terrified. Obviously you think the worse and that he’s going to be checked into a ward and all sorts but he wasn’t thank goodness! We went in the ambulance and he started to breathe a bit better, into a&e he had his ECG done, blood pressure, blood tests and even went for a chest X-Ray so was seen pretty quickly considering the overall wait time to see the triage nurse was 4-5 hours. Silver lining and all that.

In the end to cut the story short he had a mild asthma attack and has an infection. He has medication to take and is now being Monitored by myself! Not having that happen again! Last night we watched films he was relaxed. But trying to get him to sleep was a nightmare! He was breathing quicker and panicking and was ultimately scared. So we lay there doing breathing techniques and eventually we fell asleep. This morning he hasn’t got as high a temperature, hes coughing up all the crap in his lungs which is good! And he feels slightly better.

However I feel shit. I’m worrying about him. I’m scared to leave his side incase something happens. I don’t want that and I know he doesn’t but I feel like I need to be with him all the time till he’s slightly better, to a lot of people that’s a bit overbearing and what not but I feel that’s a security thing for him and he doesn’t have to worry then.

I had a proper sleep last night but could do without being away since 5am this morning. Personally I feel shit. I ache and I’ve got a cough but nothing like Toms. But I feel a bit lost. Like what should do I? I know I want to care for Tom and look after him but is wrapping him in bubble wrap and putting him next to me a step too far, obviously that is a figure of speech and I haven’t physically done that and if i did do that he would attempt to kill me!

I feel like I need to do something. I have nearly finished the slippers for my brother which he asked for. I’ve made loads of charms for Phimoublé Charms but they seem to be as popular as Sprouts. I feel a bit lost. Works shit. Money’s shit. Health is shit. I want to start running and doing boot camp again however I don’t think I’m physically fit for it, so what can I do?! I just feel a bit lost and like there’s nothing to do. I want to decorate as I want a fresh look in the house as its been the same since I moved in and I want it to be more about us living here not just me. But to decorate you need money to get the initial project going. I don’t have that. I don’t have motivation and I definitely don’t have a drive to do anything other than to put myself in a Neflix coma for the day!

I don’t understand. I was so content and happy. Is this the downside after all the build up? Is this what it’s like after an event? Is this how in going to feel for a long period of time unless I have something planned everyday? I can’t cope like this. It’s not helping my mood and I feel at a low. I don’t want that. I need to change it but I just can’t. I don’t know how to, well I do, I just can’t do it. Realistically I can’t. I think I’m just going to look after Thomas and go from there with the day. I’ll probably end up knitting if honest which isn’t too bad.

See I wanted to write something everyday during the whole absent post, however every day I would say to myself meh I can write about it tomorrow. This has continued and this morning is the first time I’ve followed through with it. Am I now become more of a procrastinator?

I don’t get it. I don’t get the feelings I have. I just don’t get anything recently. I blame medication. I think until that’s properly looked at I may not be 100%. I may be just 45% or more than likely less but I think it’s all to do with medication. I can’t be dealing with this crap. I’m paying to make myself feel like this! Not acceptable.


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