Wednesday September 28th 2016 12.12am.
I can’t sleep. It’s now officially Wednesday. I have been trying to sleep for the past 40 minutes and I just can not settle, my feet have been so itchy and I’ve been so warm laying in bed.
I’ve been thinking about this blog. About how much there is to update you all on. About how I can end this part of my life.
Don’t worry… It’s not meant in a suicidal term, it’s just how I can now close this chapter.
Let me get up to speed first.
So since the last post I have stopped taking my medication. Big step I know! I had a finally appointment with a specialist who had said to me…
“you do not have bipolar. You never have had it. From your signs and progress it’s clear you have not had it. What you have been experiencing is an incredibly difficult period in your life. You are young. You are working as hard as you can and trying to manage as much as you can. You need to slow down. Take it as it comes and relax. But the main positive thing I want you to take away from what has happened regarding this episode of depression is that you can cope. You have survived. Your back working full time. You are getting married in a few weeks. You’re not taking medication. You do not have bipolar. You had a episode of depression and you have beaten it.”
I was so happy after that meeting. The specialist was lovely. She came round every other Monday or Tuesday on a rotation and we just talked. She assessed me. I gave her answers and we worked out a plan. Every meeting the cat would jump into her bag and sit there for an hour and she wasn’t phased by this after the first meeting. She was very easy to talk to. It’s nice when you have someone like that.
So after this meeting I was happy as can be. I walked to work. I asked my manager into a meeting and told her that I have been signed off. I do not have bipolar and discussed everything with her. She seemed incredibly happy and was very positive, but most of all she kept assuring me that I was going to be okay and that I wasn’t alone.
So… Moving on. I worked and worked and worked. I kept my head down. Started little projects I did my job and more, top working me I know! So skip last the last few weeks of August. We’re now in September.
Summer is over. Autumn is here.
9 days till k say “I Do.”
Those 9 days flew by. In that period we made our final payment. We finished last minute decorations, favours, wrapped the presents, met with the decorator. Checked lists and spreadsheets twice a day to make sure we hadn’t missed anything. Picked up the kilts and carried them through a busy shopping centre at 5pm with mad rushes of people everywhere.
It was manic. But so worth it. The day went perfectly. Nothing went wrong except the master of ceremonies could not say Phimister-Double. Everyone laughed. We did as well. There was tears. Lots of tears. Lots of laughter. Generally a perfect day that I will never forget. I have pictures upon pictures of the day that keep appearing and it’s amazing to see how much love and support we did receive. If you want to check them out then feel free to look on my Instagram there are some on there. I’ll probably copy the YouTube link as well b evasive why not.
So that one day. The 9th September 2016 flew by. Next we had a busy weekend which we blinked and it was gone.
Alarms are going off at 3:30am Monday morning. Mad panic to make sure we’re all packed. Mother was late picking us up. Once she had arrived we opened our front door to see her dancing in the street, amazing. She is such a character I love the fact I have so many of her traits. Off to the airport we go. It was our first holiday this year and it was our honeymoon. Perfect. Fabulous.
Started by drinking champagne at 5am. Followed by French pastries and scrambled eggs. Beautiful. Worth the £9 each for food.
The following 10 days… Where so peaceful. Driving round in a mini convertible, with the roof down, in 32 degree heat was just a one off experience. It was a luxury. The whole holiday felt like a dream. We ate loads. We drank loads. We had no cares in the world and we made sure we enjoyed ourselves. We went to random villages and towns and explored the culture and sites. We went to water parks and braved the massive rickety looking rides. We got bitten and had bruises. We spent days on a black sand beach where we ended up red as we lost track of time. We found private beaches and seen fish swimming by our feet in the sea.
It was a holiday that could only be seen on a cheesy TV advert and everyone always says “it’s never like that I’m real life though is it?!” Well screw you as it was.
We came back last Wednesday Lunch time. I can’t believe we’ve been back a week. Time has flown by. We blinked and it was over. Can we have a rewind button so that can be done again?
Were both back, working full time. This week isn’t even half way through technically as I still have today to get through. But it’s dragging. I feel like setting my alarm to go off on 01.10.2016 at 9am with the song When September Ends by GreenDay. That would be lovely wouldn’t it? It’s only a few days away but those few days can make such a difference.
So… That’s it. You’re all up to date.
I have felt so guilty for not updating this throughout the months and keeping it more strictly documented like I did when I first started it, however time has eluded me.
I had gotten so wrapped up in the routine of: take Meds. Stress at work. Stress over wedding. Relax for 5 minutes. Get 3 hours sleep. Repeat.
Im out of that routine now. I get up, no stress just grumpy as I have to work. I work avoiding stress. I come home and relax, wind down and spend time with Tom. I’m actually getting more than 6 hours sleep as well. It’s a miracle.
So what’s next?
I may start another blog. I don’t have anything else panned. I may set something up similar style but about married life, or about what’s going on, or about the drunken antics we get up to. I think the last one maybe the choice I go with. What can go wrong?
Hopefully I won’t have to start this blog: Me, Myself and the Tick, back up again as next time I have an episode or something I at least know how to cope. I know how to survive it. I know how to move on in the best possible way.
If anyone has read these blogs, I wanted to say Thank you.
In general, Thank you.
And that’s this chapter closed. Onto the next one.
p.s I should really go to bed as I’m currently sat downstairs writing this. I can imagine Tom has woken a few times and wondered what I’m doing, and if he hasn’t… He’ll be none the wiser!
Wednesday 28th September 2016 12.50am. Chapter closed.