Completed.

Wednesday September 28th 2016 12.12am.

I can’t sleep. It’s now officially Wednesday. I have been trying to sleep for the past 40 minutes and I just can not settle, my feet have been so itchy and I’ve been so warm laying in bed.

I’ve been thinking about this blog. About how much there is to update you all on. About how I can end this part of my life.

Don’t worry… It’s not meant in a suicidal term, it’s just how I can now close this chapter.

Let me get up to speed first.

So since the last post I have stopped taking my medication. Big step I know! I had a finally appointment with a specialist who had said to me…

“you do not have bipolar. You never have had it. From your signs and progress it’s clear you have not had it. What you have been experiencing is an incredibly difficult period in your life. You are young. You are working as hard as you can and trying to manage as much as you can. You need to slow down. Take it as it comes and relax. But the main positive thing I want you to take away from what has happened regarding this episode of depression is that you can cope. You have survived. Your back working full time. You are getting married in a few weeks. You’re not taking medication. You do not have bipolar. You had a episode of depression and you have beaten it.”

I was so happy after that meeting. The specialist was lovely. She came round every other Monday or Tuesday on a rotation and we just talked. She assessed me. I gave her answers and we worked out a plan. Every meeting the cat would jump into her bag and sit there for an hour and she wasn’t phased by this after the first meeting. She was very easy to talk to. It’s nice when you have someone like that.

So after this meeting I was happy as can be. I walked to work. I asked my manager into a meeting and told her that I have been signed off. I do not have bipolar and discussed everything with her. She seemed incredibly happy and was very positive, but most of all she kept assuring me that I was going to be okay and that I wasn’t alone.

So… Moving on. I worked and worked and worked. I kept my head down. Started little projects I did my job and more, top working me I know! So skip last the last few weeks of August. We’re now in September.

Summer is over. Autumn is here.

9 days till k say “I Do.”

Those 9 days flew by. In that period we made our final payment. We finished last minute decorations, favours, wrapped the presents, met with the decorator. Checked lists and spreadsheets twice a day to make sure we hadn’t missed anything. Picked up the kilts and carried them through a busy shopping centre at 5pm with mad rushes of people everywhere.

It was manic. But so worth it. The day went perfectly. Nothing went wrong except the master of ceremonies could not say Phimister-Double. Everyone laughed. We did as well. There was tears. Lots of tears. Lots of laughter. Generally a perfect day that I will never forget. I have pictures upon pictures of the day that keep appearing and it’s amazing to see how much love and support we did receive. If you want to check them out then feel free to look on my Instagram there are some on there. I’ll probably copy the YouTube link as well b evasive why not.

So that one day. The 9th September 2016 flew by. Next we had a busy weekend which we blinked and it was gone.

Alarms are going off at 3:30am Monday morning. Mad panic to make sure we’re all packed. Mother was late picking us up. Once she had arrived we opened our front door to see her dancing in the street, amazing. She is such a character I love the fact I have so many of her traits. Off to the airport we go. It was our first holiday this year and it was our honeymoon. Perfect. Fabulous.

Started by drinking champagne at 5am. Followed by French pastries and scrambled eggs. Beautiful. Worth the £9 each for food.

The following 10 days… Where so peaceful. Driving round in a mini convertible, with the roof down, in 32 degree heat was just a one off experience. It was a luxury. The whole holiday felt like a dream. We ate loads. We drank loads. We had no cares in the world and we made sure we enjoyed ourselves. We went to random villages and towns and explored the culture and sites. We went to water parks and braved the massive rickety looking rides. We got bitten and had bruises. We spent days on a black sand beach where we ended up red as we lost track of time. We found private beaches and seen fish swimming by our feet in the sea.

It was a holiday that could only be seen on a cheesy TV advert and everyone always says “it’s never like that I’m real life though is it?!” Well screw you as it was.

We came back last Wednesday Lunch time. I can’t believe we’ve been back a week. Time has flown by. We blinked and it was over. Can we have a rewind button so that can be done again?

Were both back, working full time. This week isn’t even half way through technically as I still have today to get through. But it’s dragging. I feel like setting my alarm to go off on 01.10.2016 at 9am with the song When September Ends by GreenDay. That would be lovely wouldn’t it? It’s only a few days away but those few days can make such a difference.

So… That’s it. You’re all up to date.

I have felt so guilty for not updating this throughout the months and keeping it more strictly documented like I did when I first started it, however time has eluded me.

I had gotten so wrapped up in the routine of: take Meds. Stress at work. Stress over wedding. Relax for 5 minutes. Get 3 hours sleep. Repeat.

Im out of that routine now. I get up, no stress just grumpy as I have to work. I work avoiding stress. I come home and relax, wind down and spend time with Tom. I’m actually getting more than 6 hours sleep as well. It’s a miracle.

So what’s next?

I may start another blog. I don’t have anything else panned. I may set something up similar style but about married life, or about what’s going on, or about the drunken antics we get up to. I think the last one maybe the choice I go with. What can go wrong?

Hopefully I won’t have to start this blog: Me, Myself and the Tick, back up again as next time I have an episode or something I at least know how to cope. I know how to survive it. I know how to move on in the best possible way.

If anyone has read these blogs, I wanted to say Thank you.

In general, Thank you.

And that’s this chapter closed. Onto the next one.

p.s I should really go to bed as I’m currently sat downstairs writing this. I can imagine Tom has woken a few times and wondered what I’m doing, and if he hasn’t… He’ll be none the wiser! 

Wednesday 28th September 2016 12.50am. Chapter closed.

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The Return.

Sunday 10th July 2016 10:23pm

Guess what? I haven’t posted anything in over 3 months! Well roughly 3 months! So here I am. Writing a post. About something. I think I’ll just go with filling in the void and just write. No harm in that is there? Besides lots has happened!

The only downside to this is… I can’t actually remember what has happened! I have no idea! The start of May end of April I was off work again. So I’d had like a month In total off and then extra time and all that malarkey. So we’ll go with the fact I was off work. So I believe I pottered round the house. Did as much as I could. Tried to find a way to keep myself socially calm and relaxed and I think it worked.

I went with Tom on a few of his day trips with work. I stayed over in London, did some sight seeing. Visited people. Met up with my brother. Visited some cool places round Soho in London! Absolutely amazing pubs and funky venues. We went into the Friendly Society and was stood admiring the barbie dolls on the ceiling and noticed a woman was dancing round, in what looked like her work outfit, but with just her bra and bottoms on (unzipped Dress) and some horrible trainers! What is that about?! But we had such a laugh. The next day we came home and I was on such a downer as I love London. I never want to leave it. It feels more socially acceptable and a place I fit into, rather than the city I currently live it. Only downsides would be you’d be lonely to start with, well I’d have Tom but it would be us two vs London. Other side is, the cost! How can people afford it!? Do jobs pay in solid gold bars there? It’s madness!

But yeah so that’s what I occupied myself with whilst off work. Going with Tom on day trips, plodding around everywhere and keeping myself busy!

I went back to work and I was so worked up. Terrified. Horrifically anxious but the person I now sit next to, oh a shock to me was walking in and everything and everyone had moved desks, was so lovely and helpful! We just talked and she made me feel more welcome than anyone else in that place. It was kind of a breathe of fresh air. Plus I needed to go back to work otherwise Tom would have killed me as I think I got on his nerves when he was working from home. So I worked. Studied for my theory test. Got drunk the night before and failed it, not a good way of doing it. Went for lovely day trips on the weekend and even stayed at my sisters more! Bonus!

So through June, let’s just skip to there. I don’t remember what else happened in May, sorry. I’ve had alcohol and sleep since then!  We went and dog sitted for my sister which I’m happy with anytime of the day to do! We spent 3 days in her hot tub only venturing out to wee and get more alcohol and potential food now and then, and to check on the animals of course. We did do that job very well but they always came and sat next to us beside the tub so we knew they where all fine. We are shit loads.

Ive had multiple appointments with different teams. One team thought I was full on cray cray. Like beyond crazy. They couldn’t understand why I was like the way I am. They made me doubt myself and think I was crazy!

So after dealing with this team who said, no you’re not psychologically unstable and we do not have any concerns however we have this issue. The mood issue. The unbalanced swings. The manic highs and the insane lows. So they passed me onto another team. So that was fun. As met them and she said the same thing. I’m not crazy I’m just unbalanced. I know this. This is the second time I’ve heard this within a 3 week period. It’s getting annoying hearing it over and over again. I mean come the fuck on Bridget and change the record! Tell me something new, something helpful! So again I’ve been passed to someone else. And recently my first appointment with her was a bit upsetting. I was made to feel very special, not in a good way, but I understood stuff and I couldn’t stop crying. But I’ll move onto that shortly.

So back to the teams. So everyone confirmed I wasn’t crazy insane. They all said it was my moods and there still could be bipolar however you do not have Schizophrenia! Say what now?! Why do I now have this?! Has this just developed instantly?! So no… I do not have Schizophrenia. Jolly good. Although they had a concern about one fact: I can hear a voice (rare) and it asks me a question, but it’s only ever in the persons voice who I’m currently with and it relates to something we’re currently doing.

Bizzare? Anyone else had this? So this voice which doesn’t happen often, made them panic and in the end they asked me if it worries me. I said not really but one thing I don’t like about it is I don’t know I do it or how often it happens. This they said is fine. It’s fine. It’s just my Brains way of coping with things, odd.

So by the end of June, I’m working full time again. I’m bubbly again. I’m social. I talk like before and I do stuff still. The only flip to this is I still have no documented detail of what wrong with me, if there is anything wrong with me and I have no other answers regarding medication or anything. But hay ho.

I am alive. I’m well to a degree so couldn’t complain! So July. Up to date. See it’s only short and sweet because my memory is awful and I can’t remember everything!

1st of July I went to Prague for my Sten weekend. If you do not know what a Sten do is, it’s a stag and hen merged together. So lots of drinks where involved! Within an hour landing we got to our apartment after climbing 150 thousand stairs. Dumped our stuff. Freshened up. Went found a pub and ate some food and then got wasted. Like mortal. We did raw absinthe each in rather large glasses (not shot glasses) and then the rest of the night was a blur however all my photos are public on Facebook Andrew William Phimister. 🙂

So that was the first night which ended at 3ish? With me running round the apartment naked and dancing as I wanted to dance before I threw up, whilst my friend tried to catch me and put me in the bathroom so he could go be sick. Classy birds we are. Next day, we did lots of walking. We had all physically died from exhaustion and dehydration. So hydrated ourselves. Viewed the scenery and then went and did go karting and they made me Dress as Mario! It was awesome! I got to be Mario whilst go karting! I was just missing a few bananas and shells! We then went for a meal and I was told I had to dress as a penguin! Again amazing! Favourite animal! So smart too! So had food. Sweated my tits off in a furry outfit in 28 degree heat. Had cocktails and got smashed in the high end gay bar! Brilliant! I was on a stage. I was getting free drinks. It was lush. Sunday we did some exploring and just did the touristy thing. It was overall an amazing weekend! Came home Monday 4th July, Tom was working away so didn’t actually see him till Tuesday! Was a long time to go and I did miss him! But then i had the holiday blues, normal lows as I didn’t want to do anything as I was having too much fun, and I didn’t want to leave Tom for 8 hours a day.

So that brought us up to this week. So not a lot has happened.

I did say I would mention the latest appointment. So she believes I do have bipolar but isn’t 100% certain on this, so she wouldn’t bet me on this. But she is trying to work out how it can work for us both and what support etc I’ll have. So she has all my notes, logs all sorts but she asked me to go through it all again. That was the horrible part, I didn’t have toms support next to me as he was at work and I was sat talking about everything I’ve already spoke about but had to provide more details. I didn’t want to talk about the twat of a father we had. There was no need, realistically as its already on the notes. But other than this fact she was good, she was talkative and seemed interested. She’s speaking to doctors within the team about changing small things and trying me on new medication to see how I go as she wants to find a neutral level for my mood. So it would be more natural if I was having a high or a low and wouldn’t be as extreme from one side of a scale to the other. That I thought was great. First person to offer me this and didn’t say I wasn’t crazy! Bonus!

So in just over a week I shall be meeting her again with the result and we’ll go from there. I did think about taking my medication every other day as I don’t think I’m that bad. Despite the fact I’ve had a low couple of weeks and high weekends I haven’t been too bad. But we’ll see.

So that’s it really. Today we bought the last bits for the wedding, so we’ve got the wedding favours for the best men. We’ve got our guest books, we have a special thing which has meaning to us for people who couldn’t be there. We’ve done really well I think! We even met the ohotograoher, well my friend the photographer, had a couple of cheeky shots, which are on Instagram and Facebook so go be nosey and foment how pretty we look! But that’s it really.

Now it’s back to work on Monday at 9am. And I will be watching the IOS App Store waiting for Pokemon Go to release. If you have it do not go there. I’m so jealous. I need it. It’s going to be my substitute for sitting around every night.

So new week. No smoking. Healthy eating. And going to do yoga again! I’m determined to become healthy. More at peace with myself. And more stable. More stable is the best one to think of really. Couldn’t wish for anything other than that. I need that, once that’s in place everything else will slot in correctly.

But yeah. That’s all. I’m going to try and sleep now as I’ve been doing so well getting more sleep at night at the minute. So goodnight.

x

The Ticks force.

Wednesday 20th April 2016 10:30pm

It’s been a while. A long while since I last posted something.

Every day I’ve sat and thought I should post something. I should post what I’m feeling and how I currently am, however I just haven’t. I haven’t had any motivation to do so or even bother with people.

But tonight it’s just me. Tom is away for the night in Scotland and I’m currently laying in bed listening to sia and though, I’m going to post something. Anything. Just so I’m alive on some level, in some reality virtual or not.

The last few weeks have been horrific. I’ve been struggling a lot and have definitely made people worry, Tom especially. I don’t mean to or want to for that matter but I know I have. That I am truly sorry for as no one should be worrying about me at the minute, they shouldn’t be focusing on me and it’s having a repocusion on them! It’s not right.

Ive had a week off work as I was so low. I was crying in work for no reason. I would cry at home. I just couldn’t control my emotions in any feasible way. I would smile and then seconds later that smile would be destroyed and I would have tears in my eyes. It’s been such a roller coaster. I have barely slept.

Just before I was off, I was out with Rhia and Tom. We had such a fun night. Tom said he’d not seen me get as drunk as I did that Saturday night, it’s been a long while over due. I mean I remember being a bitch, but being fun and having no cares. It’s the wrong thing to remember but I remember being bitchy and just not caring. Since that night my emotional state has been questionable. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. Can’t tell how I feel and I’m scared that if I speak ill say the wrong things. I’ve become a shell of who I once was. All I know is my feelings for Tom haven’t changed, they wouldn’t. Never. Ever.

We think drink effects me now more than before. A lot more. Every time I drink I become weak and “unstable” as they say.  I become confused, emotional and basically a wreck. I begin to hate everything around me and want nothing to do with people. I mean my friend Chris, I don’t want anything to do with him at all. I realised how much of a shit friend he has been and how he is never there. If he is its not in person, it’s via a text. We live in the same city. It’s not far between us. But that’s never good enough. Sod that.

I hate work at the minute. My manager has become unbearable. The work has become stupid, yes I described work as stupid as its the only word that accurately describes it. It repetitive and pretty should crushing. Plus everyone in there is so negative. I mean you can’t talk to anyone without them bringing the conversation down as well as your mood. No one is happy there. Everyone has been searching for jobs, left right and centre. It’s become horrible.

So between work and friends I hate them both. I want to run away to the beach with Tom. We went there recently and it was such an amazing day. I was so happy. Free. Without a care. But when you realise reality is round the corner that’s when the mood drops. But would moving to the beach be a novelty or a serious move? Obviously it would have to be after the wedding but still. Would it be serious? I’m not sure but it would be refreshing.

I don’t know.

Im not sure of anything anymore.

All I know is at the minute in terrified of everything, terrified of how my mood will be after everything. I’m scared of becoming even lower. I don’t want that. I don’t want to feel like this again, and the last time I posted something I thought it was to do with the medication, well I’m not even sure if that anymore. I know they control a substance within you and try to balance you out but clearly they aren’t working. I have less than a week to my psychologist appointment for a proper analyst. I’m scared about that. I’ve been told I’ll be all over the place when I leave as they will try and dig deep and bring up a lot of stuff. I don’t know how I feel about that. I mean j didn’t have a perfect upbringing. It wasn’t a Cinderella story but it wasn’t a perfect upbringing you see from the perfect family on a perfect film. It was kind of average with a lot of shit thrown in.

I have an issue with food and only recently worked out that as a child that was the only thing I had control over. Food. I struggle to eat certain things because of bits. I hate bits. I can try and eat something with bits if tomatoe and onions and all sort but I can’t physically do it. They make me gag which results in me running to a bathroom. I hate it. But it’s the only thing growing up I had control over since everything else was either drilled into me, beaten or bullied into me. So food was my escape and because of that I struggle to eat things. I don’t want to have to talk about this. I dealt with this years ago. When I first had councilling to help me with anger issues, which had been caused by the ‘father’. Pfft. What a joke he was. But I dealt with all that crap and put it to rest so hopefully it won’t be brought back up, of course it will but it would be nice to think it wouldn’t be.

So less than a week till I see a professional. I’m going to book the day off work as I don’t think I could cope facing work after the appointment, just incase I am a bit of a wreck. Well more so than what I am. I mean I don’t talk about all my feelings as I can’t. I can’t upset people.

My mother always said I have it built in me to not hurt people, and by that she means I would never do anything to myself as I would worry about the repurcousions on the people around me and the impact it has on them. But my this you can all kind of grasp what I mean, incase you don’t I mean sucicide. I mean I would never do it, well I tried in the ldt but panicked and called for help and I was fine but I wouldn’t now. It’s entered my mind as a thought and then I sit and daydream about my funeral and what will happen after I’m gone. I’m not physically strong enough to do that to myself as I know I could t do it. I wouldn’t. But I do think about it. Is this normal? Is this a normal thing to do or is it the tablets? Or is it something darker within me or is that makes us think of these visions?

I don’t know. I just know I wouldn’t do anything as I would cause such damage to everything around me. By this I mean I would upset people by doing it and kind of ruin what they have. It would traumatise people and I don’t have it in me to do that to someone despite how much I’m currently hurt, or how low I am.

This tick is so shit. I’ve had enough of it. I want to be what they class as normal. Or maybe I am and the normal ones who don’t take medication , which means they aren’t normal in fact they’re sick and all who take medication are in fact healthy and normal but repressed to feel otherwise. Hmm. I know that won’t make sense to a lot of people but it makes sense to me.

I think I’m going to try and sleep. I can’t write any more as I feel like I’m just going round in circles in my head and I’m getting myself wound up.

Goodnight.

I think over the weekend I’m going to look at previous posts and see how much I’ve increased or decreased. I say this but it would probably never happen.

The Void.

Saturday 26th March 2016 8:36am

I haven’t wrote anything in a while, 9 days to be exact. Not much has actually happened in those 9 days.

We had St Patrick’s day. My birthday on the 18th which means I’m another year older, still always considered a ‘baby’ or ‘young’ by a lot of people around me. We’ve had Good Friday yesterday and it’s the bank holiday weekend.

So I’m going to jump back to the 18th. My birthday. I always get excited over my birthday, I don’t go to work and I spend it with my Fanily. So Tom, my mother and I went to Birmingham. We went for a day of shopping! Can’t go wrong can you? Although I was worried about price, obviously I wasn’t going to go mad and pick 5 things from every shop and then some, but I always feel cheeky. My mother wanted me to pick presents this year as there is nothing I wanted, nothing I needed. So we did that. We went round an I just picked a few things, but I was always checking the price. I didn’t want to take advantage and I didn’t want to seem ungrateful but I couldn’t work out the thin line balance between them! But it was a lovely day. We did lunch, we went to the champagne bar for a mid shop break! We had such a lovely day! It ended by us all going round to TGI Fridays for drinks and back to my mothers for a game of Disney monopoly! Yes Disney monopoly! You can’t beat Disney! Was perfect.

The next day, up early out and in the car on the way to Manchester. Tom’s present was a weekend away and…. Tickets to see Ellie Goulding! I was so excited! I have been since I found out but I was like a child on Christmas! It was going to be an amazing weekend! So on our way to Manchester, nothing to report as all drivers where shocking being careful and cautious when driving for the first time ever. Arrive in Manchester and we could start the day. We did a bit of shopping, it’s needed clearly. So around the shops we went, nothing that stood out realistically except a handful of expensive items which I knew was a no go as we aren’t made of money. Tom treated himself to boots he’s wanted for years! I was treated! We went for a Drink mid shop again just to keep our spirit levels high enough. And then back to the hotel.

At this point I had no clue what hotel we where staying in. Still a big surprise. We got our bags from the car, rolled round the corner and there it was. The Malmaison. Beautiful hotel. Quirky and all. Perfect. We checked in and unpacked our luggage and new items, tried clothes on and then I had a bath. I felt like it was needed. My body ached but I didn’t want to make it too obvious. So I lay in the bath and Tom ordered champagne for the room, so I inevitably had a glass or two whilst relaxing in the bubbles!

We got sorted went for a meal, which I may add was lovely! Can’t beat Italian food especially when it’s covered in cheese and chilli’s! Then for more drinks! We ended up meeting someone we met once in a village for Toms friends birthday. This little lady is brilliant! She’s full of life and no cares at all. So we had a drink or two with her and then off to see Goulding! So we had seating tickets as the last time I went to see someone I was standing and I couldn’t see. I was the shortest person there and I just stood and recorded the whole show so I could watch it through my phone at the same time. Not ideal but was again a great night! So we’re sat in our seats. Made friends with two straight girls next to Tom as you do. We saw a band called Lany and they weren’t that bad. Then her supporting act was John Newman. He was incredible! He got very sweaty very quickly though.

Then on came Ellie. A beautiful lady! Her voice was amazing. She performed amazing and what’s also amazing is the fact she’s still a young performer and can progress and own everything she does! I can’t wait! But all I’ll say about the concert was it was perfect! We drank. We sang along. We got everyone in our row up and dancing. We had a cuddle and a sway to some of her songs. Even a tear or two! She was brilliant. I couldn’t of asked for anything like that night. Nothing woukd beat it concert wise and birthday present wise.

The next day we went to see my sister on the way home, a little stop off. She lives Newark/Lincoln way and it’s only an hourish away from where we live. So only a little detour. So we arrive at my sisters. Excited nephew is all jumping around and dressed as a young Tom cruise, dogs excited to see us, sister very laughable and incredibly bubbly happy to see us arrive. We played in the garden and had a nerf war with my nephew. He played with the dogs and we had Sunday dinner which was lovely. It was a real treat for us. My sister had gotten me the most ideal present I could of ever thought of. She had gotten me a penguin knitting bag! Perfect! I needed a new one as mine didn’t hold the needles or the wool properly! Amazing! She was so excited to see me open it as she knew I’d love it and she was right! I do love it!

So after a very entertaining day and to end the weekend we headed home and relaxed watching a film with a few nibbles. Perfect.

So I had work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday! Meh! I wasn’t in the mood to work.

I was tired, exhausted, drained all kinds of knackered! I wanted to be at home in bed watching Netflix and doing nothing! I didn’t want to work. Work was horrible! It was so boring and stressful! I don’t think I like working there anymore. We had a leadership meeting and asked us to be honest and I was. I think because of how honest I’ve been I think they will try and push me out of the company. I don’t care if they try to but I would t stand down without a fight. I will work and perform as I have been as its unquestionable that I achieve targets and figures etc however my attitude in work is if there’s work I won’t talk. I just think they’ve had enough of me and are looking to use an excuse to get rid of me. They will probably use the depression/Bipolar excuse and say due to this you’re not working like you should or something, which is a load of shit as I’m still hitting above the required workload and I’m doing more work than other staff. Basically they don’t like me and I think, no I’m sure I don’t care. I will work, come home and not give it an opinion. If they try  they try and they will loose when it comes to myself. I don’t back down easily.

So once those 3 horrible days had passed I was clear! I am on annual leave! I have till the 31st off and I work one day next week! Couldn’t be happier about this.

So what happens when you have a day off? You get ill. I am so pissing ill and tired it’s ridiculous! It doesn’t help that toms also ill. But my first day on annual leave and I’m ill! Horrible! Karma for something I have done which I’m not sure about. Not fair!

But Thursday I sat and knitted. Watched crap Tv. Looked after Tom was nice and easy. Yesterday however was different! I was up making Charms tidying the house up and Tom came down white as a ghost struggling to breathe. He had an albas oil steam and it made him worse! We had to go to the doctors. So off we went. I said I’d drive my car but he was adement that he would drive as it was safer! He couldn’t bloody see properly! But he drove. It is 5 minutes down the road but still.

Checked him in and he was called to triage. The Walk In Centre was rammed. The wait time was 4 hours and Tom said as soon as we got there I want to go home I’m fine. Liar. So we waited 20 minutes and he was called in. 5/10 minutes passed no sign of him yet and then the doctor came out and called me in. So I went in walked into the room and was shocked. There was Tom hooked up to a Nebuliser, sweating uncontrollably fighting for breathe! The doctor told me an ambulance had been called and we had to go to a&e. I panicked. I had my mother on the phone and she was coming to the centre to meet me to get toms car keys. I had Tom holding my hand apologising, which he didn’t need to! But all the fear and panick I had he had. This has never happened before.

Terrified. Obviously you think the worse and that he’s going to be checked into a ward and all sorts but he wasn’t thank goodness! We went in the ambulance and he started to breathe a bit better, into a&e he had his ECG done, blood pressure, blood tests and even went for a chest X-Ray so was seen pretty quickly considering the overall wait time to see the triage nurse was 4-5 hours. Silver lining and all that.

In the end to cut the story short he had a mild asthma attack and has an infection. He has medication to take and is now being Monitored by myself! Not having that happen again! Last night we watched films he was relaxed. But trying to get him to sleep was a nightmare! He was breathing quicker and panicking and was ultimately scared. So we lay there doing breathing techniques and eventually we fell asleep. This morning he hasn’t got as high a temperature, hes coughing up all the crap in his lungs which is good! And he feels slightly better.

However I feel shit. I’m worrying about him. I’m scared to leave his side incase something happens. I don’t want that and I know he doesn’t but I feel like I need to be with him all the time till he’s slightly better, to a lot of people that’s a bit overbearing and what not but I feel that’s a security thing for him and he doesn’t have to worry then.

I had a proper sleep last night but could do without being away since 5am this morning. Personally I feel shit. I ache and I’ve got a cough but nothing like Toms. But I feel a bit lost. Like what should do I? I know I want to care for Tom and look after him but is wrapping him in bubble wrap and putting him next to me a step too far, obviously that is a figure of speech and I haven’t physically done that and if i did do that he would attempt to kill me!

I feel like I need to do something. I have nearly finished the slippers for my brother which he asked for. I’ve made loads of charms for Phimoublé Charms but they seem to be as popular as Sprouts. I feel a bit lost. Works shit. Money’s shit. Health is shit. I want to start running and doing boot camp again however I don’t think I’m physically fit for it, so what can I do?! I just feel a bit lost and like there’s nothing to do. I want to decorate as I want a fresh look in the house as its been the same since I moved in and I want it to be more about us living here not just me. But to decorate you need money to get the initial project going. I don’t have that. I don’t have motivation and I definitely don’t have a drive to do anything other than to put myself in a Neflix coma for the day!

I don’t understand. I was so content and happy. Is this the downside after all the build up? Is this what it’s like after an event? Is this how in going to feel for a long period of time unless I have something planned everyday? I can’t cope like this. It’s not helping my mood and I feel at a low. I don’t want that. I need to change it but I just can’t. I don’t know how to, well I do, I just can’t do it. Realistically I can’t. I think I’m just going to look after Thomas and go from there with the day. I’ll probably end up knitting if honest which isn’t too bad.

See I wanted to write something everyday during the whole absent post, however every day I would say to myself meh I can write about it tomorrow. This has continued and this morning is the first time I’ve followed through with it. Am I now become more of a procrastinator?

I don’t get it. I don’t get the feelings I have. I just don’t get anything recently. I blame medication. I think until that’s properly looked at I may not be 100%. I may be just 45% or more than likely less but I think it’s all to do with medication. I can’t be dealing with this crap. I’m paying to make myself feel like this! Not acceptable.

The Lost Determination.

Wednesday 16th March 2016 – all day update

Its hump day again. The days are merging into one. Does anyone else feel like this? That everyday has merged into one and it feels like an endless cycle?

Why do we have that kind of feeling? Is it due to the lack of sleep? If that’s the case we’re all going to be doomed at some point or another. How long does this feeling last?

I woke up at about 3:48am this morning. I was fully prepared to get myself sorted for the day as I was unaware of the time. It was only when I looked at the time I felt stupid. I felt like I was the unacceptable person, who is awake at that time freely and is awake naturally not because of alcohol or the urge to pee? I couldn’t settle to go back to sleep despite how hard I tried. It’s bad that it gets to a stage we have to try and sleep. So began to think. The dangerous past time we all do.

I thought that since I’ll be home alone tonight I’ll do workouts. I’ll get myself started on the fitness as we’re running out of time. I set an imaginary goal and timeline in place and within 5 minutes the only thing I could say to it was: Do I really have the motivation today? I wasn’t even out of bed and I was questioning my motivation which will inevitably effect my motivation for the rest of the day.

Shockingly enough it did. My motivation was bleak today. I couldn’t focus on work. Instead I was more interested in what sales are currently ongoing as well as looking at puppies. Tom and I have said we will get a puppy eventually, more than likely after the wedding and honeymoon but still no harm in looking at the minute.

I find everything else so much more interesting other than what I’m meant to be doing. Does everyone else find this?

I can’t even find the motivation to write on this anymore. I have typed this post over and over and each time deleted part and redone it. In the end I think I’ve just given up. I went with the last motivation I have and am posting this.

I have ended up going to bed incredibly early. I’m currently in bed now and it’s 9:30. I won’t be able to sleep or settle but I’m in bed. I’ll more than likely watch something on my iPad whilst playing a game on the phone. It’s such a hard life. I guess there isn’t any excitement when Tom isn’t around. I think I got into a retreat mode when Tom isn’t here.

I loose all interest in everything. I just give up on these days and nights. Bad timing really as I don’t want to do this as it seems like I’m always relying heavily on him but I don’t want this to be the case going forward. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet and feel strong however I just don’t. I don’t know why, I just don’t.

I just don’t get what’s up at the minute. Everyone is still so negative around us but is that going to be the main reason to make my mood plummet? It can’t be. I know it’s not great to have that around you but still.

I don’t know what to do. Oh god I’m so lost. I’m so tired. I’m so mleh!

The Fear.

Tuesday 15th March 2016 – all day update.

The fear. The lack of sleep. The early morning wake ups. The clammy hands. Uncontrollable terrors. The clear and ignorant views of others. The constant pain.

Those feelings have not left for a few days. I thought if I could be positive and put out positivity then I would receive positivity back! Why am I not? Why is I receive these feelings? Why do I have them when I am trying to be positive.

I don’t want to have negative or unhappy feelings anymore. I want to be what people class as ‘normal’ and ‘stable’ with emotions. I don’t want to have dreams where I wake up terrified to talk to people or say I had this dream last night and get the ridiculous tuts and comments of how it’s not normal.

Why do I have them? Why can’t every single person have the same structure when it comes to mental health?! Why is it only some and not others? Why do we have to suffer and others can carry on and do as they please? How is this fair? Why is it that when we are low we bring everyone else down with us and always get the blame but when someone else is and they bring you down you still get the blame as they say your ‘illness’ effected them? Why is the world such a messed up place!

It sounds dramatic, well incredibly dramatic but I do hate this world. I wouldn’t take myself away from Tom or my family but I do hate it. I don’t think I have the physical capacity to do anything regarding these feelings except make people worry and think I’m not stable. I don’t want that.

I want to try and put positive feelings and energy from me into whatever’s around me so I can receive it back but at the minute, every single person is in such a low and negative state of mind. It’s difficult to be positive when everyone around you is saying how crap everything is. How everything isn’t going right. How the government are messing things up for us to live and because we’re working class we will never achieve to anything.

People around us are currently in a worse state of mind than anyone with a mental health issue.

Everywhere I look on social media or in actual media there is a story about mental health and how we need to help it more. We need to do something about it. Or everyone has a story about it and they had a miraculous recovery and are classed as ‘normal’ within 3 weeks? How is that possible? Surely that’s just them being low as their partner broke up with them or something? Is there really a way to help mental illness in such a short space of time? If so why can’t we all have this so called help?

Why do some get it and others don’t? Anyone who says they are depressed or suffering from something more they get asked the million pound question: Are you suicidal?

Now… That question is an odd one. Are we meant to say yes we are so we get help quicker but taken to a special place where normal is deprived. Or do we say no and continue with medication. A lot of the time people always say no because they aren’t, well they say they aren’t. When in reality they would never act on something due to the fear and repocusions their acts will have on every single person around them. Is that fair? Those who do act upon the thoughts normally are the ones with little or no fear. Just pain.

Myself, I have the fear. I wouldn’t act on any thought like that. At one point in my teenage years, when I came out as gay and was attacked by my school and generally beaten up for being different in a way they weren’t used to seeing I did try. I didn’t want to live a life where I was attacked for being different. Where being gay was wrong. I tried a few times but each time was unsuccessful. At one point I even set a part of my arm on fire just to see if it hurt. It did. I have a tattoo over it and luckily I put it out quickly so I have a small burn mark. No one ever knows where it is but I can see it everyday.

Now ive grew up and accepted me for me and who I have with me in my journey I’m glad my attempts had been unsuccessful. I didn’t think of what my family would of done but seeing how they act whenever someone dies I can imagine it would of broken them completely. It would break any of us if we lost one another so I’m glad I’m still around. Yes I have depression and anxiety and potential bipolar or whatever but I’m still here, I may not be like the next Harry or Sally but I’m Andrew. I’m me.

So why do we do it? Why do we have thoughts to try and push us to do something we would never normally do? Do those with any form of mental illness suffer more or does everyone?

I am trying so hard to stay strong at the minute but I feel so broken. Why me? I would love to take a knife and remove the fat off my stomach or thys but I have that fear that what if I did it wrong and I suffer for the rest of my life? Or what if someone else has to suffer because of it? On Friday night I had to listen to my manager tell someone we work with that a more senior manager called her team obese… How is that right?! Why would someone do that? I couldn’t work out what’s worse the fact my manager told someone or the fact a senior manager said it about us?

How is that fair? I can imagine if I put something in like a complaint or grievance then they will try and get rid of me. How is this acceptable?

I will always go back to the point I always say; humans are a messed up species. We can’t be happy unless we make someone feel less superior and we run what we can in their faces. Not everyone does this but a lot of people do. Why do we? I know it’s all the alpha male traits and stuff but in every  single thing we do, why is it necessary?

I am struggling at the minute. I don’t know what to do to try and lift my mood. I’ve tried to relax, I’ve tried talking, I’ve tried so many things but nothing is working. I feel like such a lost cause at the minute. I feel like I’ve brought Tom down so much recently. I hate that feeling. I want us to run away.

Fuck everything I want us to get up, look at somewhere go find somewhere and go for it. We’d struggle and be alone but that may set us off on the right path. Well for the time being. I think the city we live I had brought us to such a low mood.

Ive never had issues in the area we live in but recently that feeling has gone. Trouble is brewing and I’m not liking it. I don’t feel safe. It’s gotten rougher and more dangerous. I don’t like it.

I don’t fell myself any more. I’m lost. I’m full of fear of everything which is something I’ve never had! I don’t know what to do. The only thing I can think of is listening to Sia’s album This Is Acting as that made me feel so empowered and stronger but it hasn’t recently.

The Adult Growth Spurt.

Sunday 13th March 2016 9:06am

It’s been a few days since I last posted something.

This weekend so far has just consisted of plans involving alcohol which has lead me to the assumption: as adults we can’t cope without this miraculous thing called alcohol to the point we screw people over with it.

Let me explain a bit by that. I feel that as a child nothing goes wrong the worse thing you ever experienced was when your friend didn’t want to play a game with you or said they didn’t want to be your friend for 3 hours. End of the world! Now as adults we discovered we can have more things as life is incredibly depressing. Let’s have alcohol to mask and cover the pain we feel each day and use it as a social gathering point. Why do we do this? How did we get from innocent beings where nothing is wrong to these emotional wrecks who need a form of approval which is found in a bottle or can.

Friday after work I went for a few drinks with work people. It was someone’s leaving do and I had forgotten completely. I had been so wrapped up in everything going on in our own personal lives to realise something else was happening. Well this changed and I decided to go and be social and I’m glad I did. It was hilarious. The drinks just kept flowing. Everyone was chatting and was so upbeat it was a parallel version to what everyone is like in work. A little drink turned into 4 which turned into bottles of wine which ended up being 13 portions of chips being ordered so no one was sick. We didn’t look like we were on a mission to drink, none of us thought it was a mission it was only because we had been so talkative that the drinks kept flowing. I, however, ended up being the last man standing, I was the only male there to point out, and ended up going out on an impromptu night with Rhia!

So… Nearly two bottles of wine gone. 5 double vodkas, gone. On to meet Rhia. This all came about since she said she had a drink and asked about tonight instead of the next day which we had plans anyway. So we went out. We drank even more. We found everything hysterical! She was a bitch. I was a bitch. I was dancing like a twat she was dancing like a twat. We were like mirrors. What one did the other did, to an extent I may add! I was going to go round kissing girls just because, and I quote rhia’s exact words, “I’m single, what’s the problem?” Brilliant. I am surprised we hadn’t been beaten up for the state we were in and the issues that followed us. So this night was filled with random qualities. Constant drinks, inability to talk or walk, random lesbians at every side of us, straight girls being ‘gay’ for Rhia, men in fights covered in blood, us taking the piss out of a ‘local celebrity’ as he puts it. The only thing normal about the night was the fact it was just like before. Just like old times where nothing ever mattered when we were together.

So cut to a random picture of Rhias bum being shared on every social network. If you would like to see it Please check my instagram pictures which are normally around the sides or bottom of the post depending on device. This photo I sent round to anyone and shared everywhere at 2:47am as this is apparently the appropriate thing to do. Which then lead to us coming home. Finding my bed and falling asleep, with some clothes on I may add as we have an ongoing joke that she will be carrying our baby soon. Let the spinning room and dry mouth commence.

Awaking at 8:25am after falling asleep at 4:30 isn’t the best idea. But I couldn’t sleep. Shock horror. I couldn’t sleep. I had a dry mouth. A headache. I had the shakes I was inevitably still absolutely smashed! I was still blind drunk. The only thing I thought I could do was go downstairs and try and wind down. No not possible. Not even thinkable. Rhia comes traipsing down the stairs 20 minutes later also blind drunk. We both sat in the front room laughing at each other for the state we were in. How is this acceptable? How is this the adult thing to do? I don’t understand it.

But then Tom came home shortly after we woke up. He had stayed at his mums as he had a family thing to attend, I don’t want to go into details as it wasn’t a nice thing but all I will say is I’m incredibly proud of how strong he has been. So he comes in to find these two delightful beings who can barely talk, couldn’t walk still and in general should of been put in the bin. This was how my day was. We went back to bed after ordering breakfast to be delivered. I couldn’t sleep and consequently felt like shit. The whole day was spent laying in bed and feeling sorry for myself whilst Tom caught up on sleep as he was exhausted.

Now… Last night is where we had a breakthrough. Last night is where we discovered we had changed. We were having  a gathering for my birthday as I wasn’t going to be around for it as I would in Manchester, as I’m so busy and important! So we went out spent £80 on nibbles and bits and alcohol. Only to find out half didn’t turn up, some didn’t even reply and those who came didn’t want to drink as ‘They just don’t.’ Now to me that is a bit rude. If someone goes out and buys stuff and the only thing you want is the crisps and won’t acknowledge anything else that’s rude. To then say oh next month for my birthday we’ll go out and get really drunk is another matter. Do not turn up to our house moan about drinking when you didn’t even bring anything and we provided it, then say I don’t say I don’t want to go out as I’m not feeling it but expect everyone else to go out for yours. Not happening.

Last night once everyone left and it was Tom, Rhia and myself sat talking and we realised we had grown up. We had had the next growth spurt which meant we had out grew our so called friends. We became agitated by things they said. They would talk about themselves or something to do with an ex which all of them had something to say about it. I don’t care if you never got anything  from your children’s dad in the shape of money. Stop bringing people down! Be happy that you have children who love you and you do the best for them. Tom and I can’t wait to have children but it’s a different matter for us as we have to prove we could do it before we can even consider one of our options. We can’t just pop one out. Stop turning everything into a conversation about you and what you did and what not. It’s not something people like to listen to.

Another one last night is dating addict. The one always on the dating sites because in real life it’s too difficult. The one who moans about work every time and says they’re tired but wouldn’t do anything about it. If you’re that unhappy fix it! Stop saying I hate everything but accept what you have, if you’re unhappy Fix it! Unhappy your single? Stop being a dick and being self absorbed and be a nice person. Don’t get off on the fact someone hates you! Act the way you do and you’ll be a single spinster all your life. Grow up. Don’t be a dick. Stop being pathetic over everything and depressing. Stop sitting on your phone whenever people are around and have a conversation with the ones who make the effort instead of the ones 2 miles away through the phone. Be social. And do not expect everyone to do something for you but you wouldn’t do anything back for them. Tom and I have cooked dinner for this person so many times, Tom has gave him lifts, if he’s needed something we’ve been there but we aren’t good enough as the 789 people who exist virtually around him but not In a close proximity to him in reality are better. They deserve everything.

When someone goes out of their way and buys you dinner every time you come round, don’t say I’ll give you money next time, which never comes. Say thank you. Get them something to show that over the 5/6 years that they have done a lot instead of telling someone else what you would of done better. Stop being a dick.

People need to stop being twats. People need to realise how good they have it when someone would bend over backwards to offer them anything but it’s not good enough. Last night Tom, Rhia and myself  came to terms that we had outgrew our friends. We are happy. Content with everything we have and the only thing we can do is move forward. We have stopped dwelling on the past and are now focusing on our future. Our friends haven’t, well a lot of them haven’t changed. They are still immature and still dwelling on what someone did to them 3 years ago as it caused them emotional trauma. No it didn’t it just meant someone else’s dick was nicer get over it.

I know in this I have bitched a lot. I have basically let out a lot of what I’ve had built up. I have said this to people’s faces so on here it’s no different but when you say it to someone’s face it doesn’t sink in. I’ve realised that and I know I won’t be liked for this. I don’t really care. I have still got amazing people around me who have also had the adult growth spurt and have realised the same, yes we sound like right snobby dicks but we’re not we just matured a lot quicker.

I know a lot of people feel the same as I have done and I actually feel a lot better for venting it out there. I love my friends due to the whole human characteristics of being liked and needed by someone. It’s something we all have. But I’m still there for them I just don’t want to be emotionally drained from them anymore. I want to be positive. Start our family. Start our lives properly as we can and not be pulled back as someone is jealous so we can’t do something or doesn’t agree with what we want to do. People need to realise they don’t need every single person they have ever met to approve of them and like them and talk to them. They aren’t friends. They’re gossips who don’t care. When was the last time they did something for you?

Humans are so fucked up. We really are a messed up species. From the seeking comfort from an alcoholic bottle, to taking illegal substances to satisfy a feeling, to craving everyone’s attention. Why can’t we just like ourselves for who we are and not what everyone else wants? Why are we all being more like sheep with everything going on instead of being the circle in a field of squares?

Why aren’t we satisfied with anything we have and always want a change? Why are we so messed up in general.