Wednesday 20th April 2016 10:30pm
It’s been a while. A long while since I last posted something.
Every day I’ve sat and thought I should post something. I should post what I’m feeling and how I currently am, however I just haven’t. I haven’t had any motivation to do so or even bother with people.
But tonight it’s just me. Tom is away for the night in Scotland and I’m currently laying in bed listening to sia and though, I’m going to post something. Anything. Just so I’m alive on some level, in some reality virtual or not.
The last few weeks have been horrific. I’ve been struggling a lot and have definitely made people worry, Tom especially. I don’t mean to or want to for that matter but I know I have. That I am truly sorry for as no one should be worrying about me at the minute, they shouldn’t be focusing on me and it’s having a repocusion on them! It’s not right.
Ive had a week off work as I was so low. I was crying in work for no reason. I would cry at home. I just couldn’t control my emotions in any feasible way. I would smile and then seconds later that smile would be destroyed and I would have tears in my eyes. It’s been such a roller coaster. I have barely slept.
Just before I was off, I was out with Rhia and Tom. We had such a fun night. Tom said he’d not seen me get as drunk as I did that Saturday night, it’s been a long while over due. I mean I remember being a bitch, but being fun and having no cares. It’s the wrong thing to remember but I remember being bitchy and just not caring. Since that night my emotional state has been questionable. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. Can’t tell how I feel and I’m scared that if I speak ill say the wrong things. I’ve become a shell of who I once was. All I know is my feelings for Tom haven’t changed, they wouldn’t. Never. Ever.
We think drink effects me now more than before. A lot more. Every time I drink I become weak and “unstable” as they say. I become confused, emotional and basically a wreck. I begin to hate everything around me and want nothing to do with people. I mean my friend Chris, I don’t want anything to do with him at all. I realised how much of a shit friend he has been and how he is never there. If he is its not in person, it’s via a text. We live in the same city. It’s not far between us. But that’s never good enough. Sod that.
I hate work at the minute. My manager has become unbearable. The work has become stupid, yes I described work as stupid as its the only word that accurately describes it. It repetitive and pretty should crushing. Plus everyone in there is so negative. I mean you can’t talk to anyone without them bringing the conversation down as well as your mood. No one is happy there. Everyone has been searching for jobs, left right and centre. It’s become horrible.
So between work and friends I hate them both. I want to run away to the beach with Tom. We went there recently and it was such an amazing day. I was so happy. Free. Without a care. But when you realise reality is round the corner that’s when the mood drops. But would moving to the beach be a novelty or a serious move? Obviously it would have to be after the wedding but still. Would it be serious? I’m not sure but it would be refreshing.
I don’t know.
Im not sure of anything anymore.
All I know is at the minute in terrified of everything, terrified of how my mood will be after everything. I’m scared of becoming even lower. I don’t want that. I don’t want to feel like this again, and the last time I posted something I thought it was to do with the medication, well I’m not even sure if that anymore. I know they control a substance within you and try to balance you out but clearly they aren’t working. I have less than a week to my psychologist appointment for a proper analyst. I’m scared about that. I’ve been told I’ll be all over the place when I leave as they will try and dig deep and bring up a lot of stuff. I don’t know how I feel about that. I mean j didn’t have a perfect upbringing. It wasn’t a Cinderella story but it wasn’t a perfect upbringing you see from the perfect family on a perfect film. It was kind of average with a lot of shit thrown in.
I have an issue with food and only recently worked out that as a child that was the only thing I had control over. Food. I struggle to eat certain things because of bits. I hate bits. I can try and eat something with bits if tomatoe and onions and all sort but I can’t physically do it. They make me gag which results in me running to a bathroom. I hate it. But it’s the only thing growing up I had control over since everything else was either drilled into me, beaten or bullied into me. So food was my escape and because of that I struggle to eat things. I don’t want to have to talk about this. I dealt with this years ago. When I first had councilling to help me with anger issues, which had been caused by the ‘father’. Pfft. What a joke he was. But I dealt with all that crap and put it to rest so hopefully it won’t be brought back up, of course it will but it would be nice to think it wouldn’t be.
So less than a week till I see a professional. I’m going to book the day off work as I don’t think I could cope facing work after the appointment, just incase I am a bit of a wreck. Well more so than what I am. I mean I don’t talk about all my feelings as I can’t. I can’t upset people.
My mother always said I have it built in me to not hurt people, and by that she means I would never do anything to myself as I would worry about the repurcousions on the people around me and the impact it has on them. But my this you can all kind of grasp what I mean, incase you don’t I mean sucicide. I mean I would never do it, well I tried in the ldt but panicked and called for help and I was fine but I wouldn’t now. It’s entered my mind as a thought and then I sit and daydream about my funeral and what will happen after I’m gone. I’m not physically strong enough to do that to myself as I know I could t do it. I wouldn’t. But I do think about it. Is this normal? Is this a normal thing to do or is it the tablets? Or is it something darker within me or is that makes us think of these visions?
I don’t know. I just know I wouldn’t do anything as I would cause such damage to everything around me. By this I mean I would upset people by doing it and kind of ruin what they have. It would traumatise people and I don’t have it in me to do that to someone despite how much I’m currently hurt, or how low I am.
This tick is so shit. I’ve had enough of it. I want to be what they class as normal. Or maybe I am and the normal ones who don’t take medication , which means they aren’t normal in fact they’re sick and all who take medication are in fact healthy and normal but repressed to feel otherwise. Hmm. I know that won’t make sense to a lot of people but it makes sense to me.
I think I’m going to try and sleep. I can’t write any more as I feel like I’m just going round in circles in my head and I’m getting myself wound up.
I think over the weekend I’m going to look at previous posts and see how much I’ve increased or decreased. I say this but it would probably never happen.