Just Keep Swimming.

Sunday 28th February 2016 10:26pm

It’s Sunday. That means Monday is literally just around the corner. How gloomy is that?!

Monday blues… Monday. Monday. Monday even the word sounds boring when you say it over. Why can’t the first working day of the week be called something more glamorous?! Everyone would appreciate it more. I think we should do this. Call Monday something else, something more fabulous. Something less gloomy and boring. But it has to end in day.

Last nights sleep was awful! I was too hot at one point then too cold. I was wide awake and wriggling around as I just couldn’t settle. I didn’t take tablets last night as I didn’t feel like I’d need them, sadly I was incredibly wrong. I don’t want to take them tonight as I normally oversleep or sleep past the alarms so it puts that fear straight into your mind. I don’t like this feeling.

Tonight, I think I’m going to try some breathing techniques to help me settle. I’m going to try the 60 second breathing thingy you do. You just relax and breathe. Deep breathes through the noise and then out the mouth. Peacefully. Each time getting more and more greater with each breath. Hopefully this will work. Have you tried this before? Do you have any techniques that would help me at all as id love to know.

In currently sat watching the last half of Finding Nemo. I love this film. I find myself relating to Dory. I don’t suffer from short term memory loss, well at least I don’t think I do. However I do have the attention span down to a T! I was asking Tom silly questions which no one would think of realistically. Like at the start, sorry if you haven’t seen the film go and watch it and then come back please, when Carla and the babies all go and you see that one little egg, I asked Tom if the crack in the egg was the reason for the defect in his fin. He just looked at me quite blankly as if to say ‘what the fuck have you just asked me?’ But I do this throughout all films. I have to say a random fact about something going on as I’d know it. If I didn’t know it is question a lot of things. I think if I lived in the ocean I’d be safe… To an extent. I’m not really safe sitting on the sofa so I don’t think I should compare myself to a fish living in the ocean.

But time to move away from this fact of what I’m watching, although if I could I would have dory as a best friend as a human of course. Today has been a rather lovely day. Despite the fact we had to go and get the indicator bulb on my car changed. I don’t do manual work or anything to do with cars. I mean you’ve seen what I look like, do you really think I could possible have a clue what to do? Nope. Moving alone swiftly, so the bulb was changed at the shop to which we then went to get some lunch. We ended up going to Taybarns! I never used to rate the place however when I was incredibly hungover someone suggested I should go there as its the perfect cure and it was. Brilliant. So today Tom and I have had a fatty morning/early afternoon. So we stuffed our face and then went and got some skinny pills to help us as we moaned about how we had gotten fat! Contradiction I know. But let’s hopefully see a big improvement promptly. After this it was chill time. Wind down time. We didn’t do much at all, I tried to get Tom to play the piano with his new books but he said he’d have to practice and then try as its been a long time since playing, he’d be out of practice. I can understand if he said to me go play the bagpipes I wouldn’t be able to straight away. I’d have to practice a bit on a chanter and then go from there. Oh yeah I can play the bagpipes.

So we ended up watching films and just relaxing. It was lovely. It’s been lovely and to end it with had a Chinese! Nom! Tom goes for the works however since I’m a fussy vegetarian and general fussy eater I ordered an omelette. I’m so classy and original. Don’t be jealous now.

Oh ive also spent the weekend drinking tea. Lots of teas. All herbal too! I even found chocolate tea all because I really like chai tea, of course I had to buy them all, they just screamed my name at me!

So whilst we ate we watched Finding Nemo. I think I’m completely awake, like wide awake now. Tom is happily dozing and I’m all hyper and want to talk and just do something. I feel like I could go for a run, I’m not going to but I feel like I could. That would knacker me out I’m sure of it. Tomorrow is the day I do some form of Excercise again, I’m going to do a workout video after work to get myself back into the positive mentality and mindset. Then every other day I will repeat and I will be beautiful. I will be toned. I will be gorgeous! We will be gorgeous again as Tom is joining me, he doesn’t have a lot of choice, sorry handsome. Then at the weekend I’m going to suggest we go back to doing boot camp with our friends. It’s hilarious. Last time someone there went around and gave us sweets to keep us focused while we all did different stations.

We will be fit again! We will be back on track! #teamfitness

I had a thought about my posts today. I was thinking if this is actually any help to myself. If it helps anyone at all, if anyone reads them properly. I was wondering if I should continue to do this little project of mine. I had some doubt about it but I think I will carry on. I’ll be able to look back on this and say yep I remember this or I remember that. I’m so glad I don’t feel like this anymore etc. I was also thinking about my writing. I do not have a degree in English writing or literacy or whatever I have my standard B GCSE. I don’t use fancy words. I may not be able to string things together correctly and I do type as I think which comes across all mumbo jumbo sometimes.

I enjoy writing. It’s something I never thought I’d do. I never thought I’d share things so publicly. I never thought I’d be like I am today. At least I have a focus. I guess that’s how I’ll continue going forward like I said I would. By staying focused. Positive. A new mindset. My friend Rhia, she has been amazing recently she always has been, she has helped me so much whilst I’ve been off and in general. Well Rhia, she had a dream once. We was going to be famous. She was going to write a children’s book and I was going to illustrate it. I think I just laughed at her and said yeah right. Well I think I’m going to chase her on this. I’m going to see what she thinks of it again and see what we can come up with. You never know I could work full time, sell the charms on the side, doodle for a children’s book. Imagine all of that! And start planning a family etc.

Did anyone look at the charms page? What do you think? Adorable things aren’t they! I had a new business idea for that too incorporating the charms into my knitting. Special promotional offers, competitions and what not. Hopefully it’ll take off as I’d be over the moon!

Imagine if I become successful for something that I never imagined. I always wanted to be a model or a hairdresser. Imagine if it was for doodling or writing or even selling charms. The world would be so messed up if it was!

Scary thought having a responsibility like that. I mean with this I do have a responsibility but it me. If I didn’t want to post something I wouldn’t have to. I could just leave it and eventually when I did I could explain why I never posted. There’s so much to think about in general.

I wonder if my life is actually fun? Like not boring boring like Shhhs now you’re putting me to sleep, but interesting in a way that keeps people engaged. I wonder I wonder.


Confession time.

Saturday 27th February 2016 11:01pm

My posts seem to be getting later and later. I don’t do this intentionally I’ve just gotten into a habit where I post before I go to sleep or o am winding down. Most of the time it’s before I go to sleep, some instances have been very early on in the day which is normally a weekend post.

Last night after writing my latest post, Tom read it and made a comment to me along the lines of you’re not sick. It’s a mind frame and you’re not part of that.

So I did a bit of thinking whilst trying to get to sleep, usual habits. So my thoughts where based around what is being sick and what is an illness. I didn’t google this I just let it swim around in the thought bubbles it was in. Nothing more. Nothing less. This to me is an improvement! I’m not googling everything now and turning round saying yes I am dying, always ends up as you’re dying when you do your own investigation. Or I am going to have to have my arm or leg removed to stop X y z. Nope none of this is happening. I have stopped questioning everything more than what I have done in my own mind.

So, Toms words stuck to me. You’re not sick. You’re not in that mind frame. Well I was in that mind frame as it’s the first time in years I was told this is why you behave the way you do which is leading to further analysis. However he was right, I wasn’t ‘sick’ I was told something. I was given an answer and as soon as I was told this answer I plummeted into such a low. My moods got worse and all sorts. It’s only because of what he said that I can say he’s right. Why am I putting self into a box which isn’t even a proper box.

Mental illness isn’t a sickness. It’s nothing other than you work differently to someone else. My Tick is only a Tick as I’ve been told about it. You could have it but may not have been told about it. So I’m taking Toms words onboard.

Im going to change my perspective on things. Well attempt to. Instead of being sick I’m just different and that’s alright. No biggie, I’ve always been different let’s just add to it and class it all as me.

My mind frame has been so narrow and restricted recently. Everything has been black and white and that is it, no room for multitones, no room for anything else just by the by. I don’t like it being like this, it’s not me. I want to go back to the me I was before I was told what I had. I’m going back to the care free, annoyingly loveable person. This person has always been me and I guess has just had a vacation. That’s it. It had its own time away from me… I sound like such a horrible person wanting to having a holiday away from myself!

So positive mindframe. Positive attitude, to an extent i think that is, I can’t be positive about everything else I would be hated! Who is positive over the fact there’s only one more day left in the weekend?! But I digress, I shall try and put myself back in my shoes. Those really expensive shoes which I always buy and wear a few times then trash them and regret my decision. That’s the person I want to be.

So on a positive note, this week I have had at a maximum 4 fags. I would say less but I would be lying. That is from Monday to today. I have used my electronic cigarette and I am sticking to it. I am enjoying this whole fresh side of things although my throat is so sore and so is my mouth! Is this normal?! I don’t want to google this as if it says I need to have my tongue amputated I will cry. So I think I’m doing well on the whole quitting cigarette front. Yes I’ve replaced it with something else but eventually that will go, like previously said it may take weeks, months but it will. I will not become addicted to this too.

Oh and for the record yesterday’s post I wrote about recreational drugs. I am clarifying that I do not do this everyday, every weekend or every month for that matter it’s once in a blue moon, like 6-8 month time frame space and it’s only one smoke I have. Yes I said smoke. I don’t do anything else. I just wanted to clarify this fact as Tom said I sounded like an addict and I do it all the time. I don’t. I am a good boy, it’s rare. So rare that it was almost a year today that I had last had some. I’m not helping my case am i?

Well moving swiftly on! I had 8ish hours sleep last night! (See I can do positive.) Most sleep I’ve had in such a long time. Yes it wasn’t natural it was reduced by sleeping tablets but I slept! Tom had 8ish hours silence from my talking, well except sleep talking. I do that a lot. In fact I give out a lot of personal information out too, like once I gave someone’s bank details out and passwords all sorts. Bad isn’t it! I should get help for that at some point. But yes I had woken up a couple of times, moved position in bed and fell straight back to sleep. I clearly needed it as I’ve been so fucking exhausted recently! Could this be the effect of returning to the adult world?!

I don’t like it. I want to build a fort and hide. No adulting for me please! I may do this tomorrow… And play the Xbox… And have a face mask. Oh this sounds like a plan. I don’t think this will happen but it’s worth a shot.

I only came to write a small thing about how I should change my mindframe and how I am not classed as sick. But it seems to have been a whole lot more than that. I think that’s a good sign.

Another good sign is I finally set up the Facebook page for the charms! Check it out if you like, you can also send through a request, just say I sent you and I’ll understand what sort of discount to provide. It’s called Phimoublé Charms. So far we have 3 customers, all wanted random so they got random. I’m happy with this! See what a few hours doing something and putting your mind on a focus can really change things.

I feel like today has been a good point of change for me. I haven’t done a lot but what I have done I’m happy about. I’ve watched Spectre, I hate action films and the bond films, but I have to admit I enjoyed them, I guess that’s cause I watch them with Tom. I’ve watched shit TV, bought Mother’s Day presents, had a laugh, made the first payment for our wedding! Oh yes! Big adult choice that was! We are now skint for the month going forward and will be eating dust for a few weeks but it’s all worth it.

Now it’s time to try a natural sleep. I can’t say it’ll work instantly but worth a shot is t it. I feel it’s a good point to stop now before I go full crazy on everyone reading this and let out some very off topic and really uninteresting things, like how I keep having conversations in my head, but I haven’t answered them out loud just yet! Or the fact I am having complete black outs with what I’ve done or when or watched! So now time to sleep, maybe it’s because I’m so tired. Do you get like this? Does your mind do the same mine does or do you do something different to me? If you do share it why not.


Friday Feeling

Friday 26th February 2016 9:59pm

It’s Friday. Friday feeling for us all! The fact little work was done as everyone has been so happy to see the weekend. The reasonable time to drink. The time where no alarms are set. Lie ins are possible. You can spend all day or two for that fact in bed. Visit a new city. Go shopping. Do anything you possibly can, money and company provided and energy levels are required.

Has this week dragged on a bit? Is it just me who felt like this? I don’t know if it was my first full week in work or the fact it’s been an odd and bizarre week.

Tom has been away this week, well from Tuesday onwards. It’s been incredibly difficult for me. I lost my right arm and felt so useless and even more lost than normal. So I did some shopping. Bad I know. I spent a stupid money on charms, I bought cards, as I am a geek, charms and beads and then I bought Tom some thank you presents for everything he has done for me the last few weeks.

The story of what I got Tom for a thank you present is based on the fact that in our spare bedroom upstairs we have a piano. Not a grand piano a smaller electric one but a piano non the less. When we brought it over he said he couldn’t find any of his sheet music. So as a thank you I have bought him 3 books. A collection of 50 song ranging from Pop to Jazz classical. He was very chuffed. I also got him Adele’s 21 and 25 album sheet music. This he welled up at. He loves Adele and I’m so glad he loves them. Expect to see posts about how I have all of a sudden grew an allergy to the piano, that I’m only joking I’m looking forward to doing little sing a longs with him. I also got him a Microsoft Excel book as I thought he would appreciate this as he always asks me for help, he laughed at this, which is priceless to see as he has such a happy laugh and its infectious. He’s adorable. So that’s the story and what I got him for a thank you present for everything he has done for me recently.

He has another present on the way but I think we have to collect that from the post office sorting office tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

So Tom is home which means I’ll sleep better than I have all week. I have my security and comfort back. However last night I was up thinking, like normal you know the drill. I was sat thinking about addictions and personalities and all sort. I thought about my addictions and what not, yeah not a lot but I believe and have been told I have an addictive personality. It can be dangerous and very costly. When I would first go out drinking I would go hard, like all night non stop drinking, little or no sleep and then repeat it the next day. I would do this for a couple of days without any concerns, a lot of people may say this isn’t an issue but it is when you want to do it a lot. An awful lot, but not like alcoholics. Just to clear that up. I have been offered recreational drugs before, sadly I agreed to this. I went through a phase and to this day never told my family, sorry if you read this mother. I never had to heart to say anything about it for some reason except to the close people in my life. I know it’s common now a days but still. Recently, but recently I mean over the last few years, I found out weed is good to help you relax and helps with anxiety, depression and very good for bipolar. So I have used this and found it does work. I wouldn’t like to say I’m a stoner as I don’t have it every night but if I find I can’t cope or am struggling why not? I know it’s illegal but still.

So I was addicted to this for a period. I do have cravings for everything. Smoking was the latest which is why I’m trying to quit. I have successfully managed to do 3 days without a cigarette which means my cravings are now psychological. I am using an electronic vaper so does this still count? Anyone else had an addiction?

My latest craving is for a tattoo. I love tattoos. I would be covered if my money was more stable and we wasn’t saving for a wedding and a house and planing lots to do in our life which would be perfect. I guess tattoos are the luxury of luxuries. My latest one would be a thy piece covering two horrific tattoos I did myself. It would be the Disney castle outline with Maleficent in the background, all color from the original Disney films, green and purples and yellow. I know a lot of people have said you’d regret that when your old and my comment is why? Why would i? I’d have something which shows my interest, my childhood and a love which would never die. I would also finish my sleeve and potentially start on my right arm and chest. This would be the plan eventually but would clearly need to win the lottery.

So my addictions are basic, the other thing is cheese. I think about addictions a lot and if everyone else is the same or are they sheep to a flock? Go with the flow kinda people.

So the lack of sleep I had last night, I had to incorporate it somewhere but at least it hasn’t been my opening line, plus the overthinking of addictions. I was left to think is bipolar an addiction? Does it make your brain, mind or whatever do things that a normal one wouldn’t? Is this why people are more addictive than others? They are more persuaded to the ‘Darker’ things in life? Is there a clear link?

I always end up feeling alone a lot of the time, only a few can talk to despite everyone saying I’m here for you. Yeah right. People only interested in things that would benefit themselves. You only find a few people who would bend over backwards for you and you would do the same for. Otherwise you can bend over backwards and then they will push you over and walk over you. Leaving you behind. People are dicks. I understand why people hate people now.

Im looking forward to the ‘false’ sleep these tablets provide. I don’t have to worry about sleeping past the alarm since there isn’t one set for tomorrow. I don’t have to worry about being somewhere for a set time.I get to cuddle up to Tom all night and in the morning without having to move for hours if possible.

I like the weekends and for once I don’t miss drinking every night. I think I found the best thing in life which alcohol doesn’t need to mask. I just wish, I truly wish, I wasn’t classed as ill or hold an illness as you will always have that lingering I front of you. Or even on your shoulder like the Tick it is.

Hump Day.

Wednesday 24th February 2016 9:48pm

Why is Wednesday always called hump day? Is it the worse day of the week? Moodiness day? ‘Freakiest’ day? I personally don’t understand why people call it hump day. Can someone shed some light on it?

So I had a pretty shitty sleep last night. I know I’ve started most of these posts the same way, I’m pretty sure that’s been my opening line for most of them. I wish it wasn’t but it seems like a good place to start, am I right?

I haven’t been in the mood for work, who is at the minute? I keep seeing posts over social of a picture saying “February is a trail month as well, I’ll sort my life out in March.” I feel that’s appropriate. I am trying to sort it out now but March also seems a good place to start. Although I would prefer it if I didn’t have to stress or worry about things on my birthday. You see I’m a Pisces. A free spirit. A creative person. A fish. A bloody fish! Despite the fact it’s a fish zodiac I think it’s incredibly accurate for myself.

Does anyone else believe that their star signs are a true reflection about themselves? I do. I love mine. I think yeah I’m a fish but I have all these cool traits I can take on.

So yeah I don’t want to worry about anything on my birthday, I don’t want to think another birthday that I’m “ill ” for. I say the word ill loosely as it can be taken through multiple ways. I have been told I seem more positive at the minute. I’ve been told it’s like I hit rock bottom and I’m now focusing upwards. I didn’t think that in the slightest, but this is good right? If I can’t see this but others can does that meanmy mood has changed positively? I thought I was putting on a mask each day recently as I feel really broken but I guess people have noticed an upward change, let’s see how it can work. Let’s hope it doesn’t fade away and was only a blip.

I had a call today from a recruitment agency. At first I thought oh god she sounds horrible, she’s not interested in anything, she genuinely sounded so “common” I suppose the word would be. Nope. I was wrong, yes she was rude in a way and common but she did care. I guess her commission is important! To start with she said I sounded unsure as to what I wanted to do as a job, how could she tell? She then went on to say my actions are sporadic with work, like hairdressing to childcare to sales! She gave me a fair few tips on how to sort my CV out and how it would look better and more professional,so I think I may look at doing that in a bit. I say in a bit but because I keep procrastinating like a professional it normally means a day or two from now.

But on the other side of this whole job search, I work 9 to 5. My pay isn’t too bad and it’s a bit, yes a small bit but a bit, flexible with requests however progression is slow, or none existent. Plus work have never had someone with mental health problems, sorry not problems but more of an illness. They have never had someone work for them like me, I’m so privileged! I do feel like a Guinea pig. “Well let’s try and set you up with our private specialists to see what we can do as a recommendation, don’t worry you won’t have to take the appointment as holiday or unpaid leave we will cover it. Do you think if we did this it would help? Why don’t we have a chat today, are you feeling low? Do you need time off? Have you worked out a trigger yet?” These are the questions I have had recently, multiple times a day. It’s good though as I do have a private consultation regarding this so I can see a pattern to put in place to help me. Tom will be pleased, I don’t want him worrying about this anymore so from now on I am fine. Understood? If he asks I am fine and he doesn’t need to worry.

I know at the minute I am low, but I wonder how long this will last. At least for me me personally anyway. I know they can change randomly and a small pattern can emerge but I would love to see it. I’d actually like to see a picture of my brain waves that would be beneficial. Are these requests exspensive? Hmm I may look into that soon, again procrastination expert here that will be in a week maybe? Possibly sooner.

I went and bought some e liquids for the electronic cigarette today. I’m determined to I’ve up nicotine. I have strengths 18, 12 and 0. I plan to try and stay on 0 strengths for as long as possible but if I need more I’ll try 12’s for a day or two then reduce it again. I hope this works. Is this why people say I’m more positive as I’m sticking to something and I’m determined to make it a new life choice? I will give up nicotine and cigarettes, it may take me four months gradually but at least then I shouldn’t relapse.

Heres to a smoke free future! I’m going to need to find a new show to watch soon, one fact about me is I like to watch anime, dubbed not subbed sorry I’m not a true geek in that sense. But my programme is nearly over! I have 3 episodes left! What am I gunna do? Any recommendations? I feel they are rather calming as they are magical and easy to jump into.

I don’t like having nothing to watch. I may resort to eBay or online browsing to find something else…

It’s just an Idea.

Tuesday 23rd February 2016 10:18pm

So it’s Tuesday so that has to mean the weekend is even closer right? But why does it feel so far away! Why can’t we work as little as we need to and still earn the same amount of money?

Today in work I have realised a lot of people are ‘Treading lightly’ when it comes to talking to me. Do they know? I have told one person since I have been back and that’s only because I call her my work wife, everyone has a work wife! It is a normal thing. Has a manager blabbed and disclosed personal information? If so… Oh hell no! Not acceptable! It wouldn’t be the first time. But I can’t be sure of that despite the fact how people are acting. I guess it’s just a hunch.

So the zombie feeling has remained today, just like yesterday but it feels more apparent today since I know I’m going to be on my own at home this week. Tom is working away this week and since he has been by my side through everything I feel lost without him around me. I haven’t been able to quit smoking since I feel so lost and I’m struggling. Really struggling. So Tom isn’t around till Friday night which means I have to find a way to keep myself occupied and focused.

So whilst in work I had an idea to do a wine glass charm business, I mean I had this idea a while back when me and tom discussed it however I had more ideas on it. So I set up a Facebook page, came up with a name and the initial cost per charm if they weren’t a bespoke order, 70p per charm is actually incredibly cheap. I had a look at how much it would cost for us to buy everything we need and postage etc. Then I was thinking about how long it would take, this was because tom reminded me I need to get an actual plan together and the costs and taxable deductions and so forth. So I felt a bit destroyed but I kept thinking about it. I’ve decided I can do this. It maybe the focus I need.

Throughout work, all day, it’s all I’ve thought about. I have done work but I’ve had such difficulties trying to focus but this has gave me a focus. So I’ve decided this week after work I’m going to finish my knitting. Someone has asked me to make them an infinite scarf which I have a few more centimeters left to finish, once finished I will look and do an actual plan, a plan for charms. I can check how much it will cost to make each charm and base each cost on how much I have to pay out for. I can then look at how much profit I could make per charm or even large bespoke orders… That’s the plan anyway. What’s the bet by tomorrow evening I don’t want to do either of them as I can’t shift this low feeling I’ve been having cloud over me?

I would of done a plan tonight but I joined my mother playing bingo. She goes every Tuesday to take my grandad out and they have such a laugh, so tonight I joined. It’s been such a long time since I played and since I’ve been I have never ever won anything. I find the whole shouting out when you have a line, or two or even a full house incredibly intimidating and I feel like a large lump building in my throat. I notice I have an uncontrollable way of not being able to shout. I guess the anxiety overtakes the adrenaline at that period. But I know my mother and grandad watch over the paper as they’re pro’s and would shout for me, which would make me jump as they are so sneaky. But I didn’t win. None of us did even when we worked the maths out and the odds and it was possible for us to win we didn’t. Was such a fun night though. We played on all of the bandits and lost a fair bit of money but I was laughing with them. Oh how nice this feeling was.

I went for a walk in the interlude to get an electronic cigarette from the nearby shop. So this was my last purchase of the day. I’m going to give this a try as so many people have said they have worked for them. I have berry burst and fruit twist for my flavours, I have such a sweet tooth so this may help me. I’m really hoping this works as this feels like the last step. I’ve tried the chewing gum, fail. I’ve tried the mouth spray, fail. I’ve tried patches, fail. I’ve tried pretty much everything over a 3 year stretch and now I want to quit I am determined, I just find my state of mind unhelpful with this. I want to quit for me, for tom and to save money. Money does come into the equation, it comes into every equation.

Money worries and Heath issues… I’m such a catch right?! Just as well I have Tom, I would be lost without him. Do you find that when you have so much faith and trust in a person for all they have done for you, you would do anything for them? I do truly love him.  With all my heart. I want to better for him at the least. I know it’s hard on him just as much as it for myself. I told him I bought him a present today, he has been stressing over excel and spreadsheets so I have bought him a excel book for beginners. He laughed when I told him but I know he really appreciates it.

Even when he’s not around I know he still thinks of me a lot, well I hope so. So for this week I’ll have the King size bed to myself, I say myself so I can spread out and sleep in as many weird positions as I would like however the cat will have a say in this. She will sleep on Toms side and if I go near here she will spread out further. She does take after her father!

Do all animals take after their owners? I know people say it about dogs however do cats? Do rabbitsS for that matter? I think it’s time to retreat to bed and think about these questions further. I will try not to and will probably forget as I keep having blackouts in my memory for some bizarre reason, temporally of course, but I’m sure something random will pop in my head. Why are more people flexible than others? Why do people believe they are animals trapped in a humans body?

Hmm… I wonder.

The Lost Boy.

Monday 22nd February 2016 8:57pm

I have felt so lost today. Anyone else felt like this? Or is this just the Monday blues?

So this morning I awoke in a panic. I think I had a restless sleep but I know I went to bed calmer as Tom and I had a general conversation about absolutely nothing. It was bliss. So I awoke in a panic, not sure why my dream memory seems to be hazy. Do you ever get that? You remember why you feel a certain way for the whole of two seconds and then forget? No? Just me? Okay. Moving on…

So it’s a Monday morning. It doesn’t seem like nice weather in the slightest, but I’m guessing I’m not the only one who suffers from weather related moods. I did my normal routine and was ready in decent time for once but I felt lost. Do I have to go to work? I personally think today would of been better if I stayed in bed and knitted. But I went. Quiet as normal, mouse voice syndrome, however I just didn’t feel like myself, shock. I was in work 30ish minutes early which was normal back before I was off.

I was sat at my desk… I felt like a zombie. I didn’t know what I should do first. Do I open my emails? Should I make a drink? Do I just wait for 25 minutes and the start work when it’s closer to 9am? Oh I didn’t know. So I ended up going for a cigarette… Bad yes as I said I was quitting but I felt like it was deserved. So the cigarette was needed I perked up slightly, only slightly and this last mere minutes. Back in the office and boom zombie feeling strikes again.

I had received compliments about how I looked more human since the last time I was in. How it was good to see me again. I didn’t feel like it was. Do we ever feel like that? But I smiled and like a normal person would answer I replied along the lines of ‘why thank you, I do feel more myself and it’s good to be back, to an extent!’ Such a big fat liar. I haven’t told people in work why I was really off, well one of the reasons. I was signed off for stress, which lead to shingles which lead to further conclusion of bipolar which lead to me being contagious, which lead to the psychiatrist appointment which lead to medication and sleeping tablets. It was a strange journey whenever I visited the GP. So everyone at work was told I had shingles. All of which said its horrible that is, proper British accents and twang used.

So of course I had to lie and say I was better, none of them are any wiser! But I was still lost. This would continue throughout the day. I would stare at my screen thinking I should do that task but I really can’t seem to think why I should do it. I know I’m paid to do it but I just couldn’t focus on doing it. Anything for that matter. I thought about everything but work including why I always think of magic was real I’d have the magic power of water. I love water. It’s free. It forms whatever it likes. It can not be kept within a place naturally. You would never pass the same water strand in your life again. It’s just magical. So I based my focus on this and realised it was structurally solid proof.

The zombie effect state of whatever is still in play as mentioned it has been all day. I did eventually do work at some point in the day, time isn’t something I remember when, but only when I started to listen to music did I do work. I have listened to Sia’s album This is Acting more times than I could think of recently. It’s all I listen to at the minute. I find it empowering and vigorating. So I listened to the album once more. And then I felt I had done enough. I had a meeting which lasted an hour and 10 minutes and then, since it was close to 5pm I spent the rest of the day just plodding around. Mindlessly.

But once 5pm came I was on the home run. I could leave. I left in such a rush to come home and see Tom. As soon as I was with him I opened up slightly, only slightly, however once at home I was hyper and talking like normal, well fast paced. I just talked and talked. And now it’s faded quickly.

Today has been an interesting form of a day and the evening has been too. We watched Horns and it was brilliant, odd and strange but brilliant. Now I currently have Gypsy sat cuddled up to me fast asleep. Tom is half asleep. I think I could do with going to bed. I still feel lost.

I feel lost. I’m kind of fed up thinking that or even feeling that way. I need a new focus. I need to feel less Zombie and lost and more Andrew. I think that will be my new aim this week. Fingers crossed it works.

I know this post has been very speradic and ‘random’ but it’s how I’ve been feeling today. It doesn’t make sense throughout and does mix and match and break up and rejoin. I guess it’s just me.

Odd Thomas.

In my last post, made about an hour ago I wrote that I was watching the film Odd Thomas and how I had all these mixed emotions and feelings.

Well the film has just finished and my gosh… That was a roller coaster of emotions.

If you haven’t seen it I would recomend watching it, just don’t do it when you felt like I did. It will mess with your head. I now have a headache. But I was not expecting any emotional feeling throughout this film. Well I was very wrong.

I have a lot of emotions now, sadness, anger, happiness are just a few but yeah. I am actually just writing this to remind myself.

I am also having my last cigarette.. Famous words said by every smoker at some point but I am determined to stick to it.

On that note I’m going to try and settle in bed. Let’s see how tonight goes.