The Void.

Saturday 26th March 2016 8:36am

I haven’t wrote anything in a while, 9 days to be exact. Not much has actually happened in those 9 days.

We had St Patrick’s day. My birthday on the 18th which means I’m another year older, still always considered a ‘baby’ or ‘young’ by a lot of people around me. We’ve had Good Friday yesterday and it’s the bank holiday weekend.

So I’m going to jump back to the 18th. My birthday. I always get excited over my birthday, I don’t go to work and I spend it with my Fanily. So Tom, my mother and I went to Birmingham. We went for a day of shopping! Can’t go wrong can you? Although I was worried about price, obviously I wasn’t going to go mad and pick 5 things from every shop and then some, but I always feel cheeky. My mother wanted me to pick presents this year as there is nothing I wanted, nothing I needed. So we did that. We went round an I just picked a few things, but I was always checking the price. I didn’t want to take advantage and I didn’t want to seem ungrateful but I couldn’t work out the thin line balance between them! But it was a lovely day. We did lunch, we went to the champagne bar for a mid shop break! We had such a lovely day! It ended by us all going round to TGI Fridays for drinks and back to my mothers for a game of Disney monopoly! Yes Disney monopoly! You can’t beat Disney! Was perfect.

The next day, up early out and in the car on the way to Manchester. Tom’s present was a weekend away and…. Tickets to see Ellie Goulding! I was so excited! I have been since I found out but I was like a child on Christmas! It was going to be an amazing weekend! So on our way to Manchester, nothing to report as all drivers where shocking being careful and cautious when driving for the first time ever. Arrive in Manchester and we could start the day. We did a bit of shopping, it’s needed clearly. So around the shops we went, nothing that stood out realistically except a handful of expensive items which I knew was a no go as we aren’t made of money. Tom treated himself to boots he’s wanted for years! I was treated! We went for a Drink mid shop again just to keep our spirit levels high enough. And then back to the hotel.

At this point I had no clue what hotel we where staying in. Still a big surprise. We got our bags from the car, rolled round the corner and there it was. The Malmaison. Beautiful hotel. Quirky and all. Perfect. We checked in and unpacked our luggage and new items, tried clothes on and then I had a bath. I felt like it was needed. My body ached but I didn’t want to make it too obvious. So I lay in the bath and Tom ordered champagne for the room, so I inevitably had a glass or two whilst relaxing in the bubbles!

We got sorted went for a meal, which I may add was lovely! Can’t beat Italian food especially when it’s covered in cheese and chilli’s! Then for more drinks! We ended up meeting someone we met once in a village for Toms friends birthday. This little lady is brilliant! She’s full of life and no cares at all. So we had a drink or two with her and then off to see Goulding! So we had seating tickets as the last time I went to see someone I was standing and I couldn’t see. I was the shortest person there and I just stood and recorded the whole show so I could watch it through my phone at the same time. Not ideal but was again a great night! So we’re sat in our seats. Made friends with two straight girls next to Tom as you do. We saw a band called Lany and they weren’t that bad. Then her supporting act was John Newman. He was incredible! He got very sweaty very quickly though.

Then on came Ellie. A beautiful lady! Her voice was amazing. She performed amazing and what’s also amazing is the fact she’s still a young performer and can progress and own everything she does! I can’t wait! But all I’ll say about the concert was it was perfect! We drank. We sang along. We got everyone in our row up and dancing. We had a cuddle and a sway to some of her songs. Even a tear or two! She was brilliant. I couldn’t of asked for anything like that night. Nothing woukd beat it concert wise and birthday present wise.

The next day we went to see my sister on the way home, a little stop off. She lives Newark/Lincoln way and it’s only an hourish away from where we live. So only a little detour. So we arrive at my sisters. Excited nephew is all jumping around and dressed as a young Tom cruise, dogs excited to see us, sister very laughable and incredibly bubbly happy to see us arrive. We played in the garden and had a nerf war with my nephew. He played with the dogs and we had Sunday dinner which was lovely. It was a real treat for us. My sister had gotten me the most ideal present I could of ever thought of. She had gotten me a penguin knitting bag! Perfect! I needed a new one as mine didn’t hold the needles or the wool properly! Amazing! She was so excited to see me open it as she knew I’d love it and she was right! I do love it!

So after a very entertaining day and to end the weekend we headed home and relaxed watching a film with a few nibbles. Perfect.

So I had work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday! Meh! I wasn’t in the mood to work.

I was tired, exhausted, drained all kinds of knackered! I wanted to be at home in bed watching Netflix and doing nothing! I didn’t want to work. Work was horrible! It was so boring and stressful! I don’t think I like working there anymore. We had a leadership meeting and asked us to be honest and I was. I think because of how honest I’ve been I think they will try and push me out of the company. I don’t care if they try to but I would t stand down without a fight. I will work and perform as I have been as its unquestionable that I achieve targets and figures etc however my attitude in work is if there’s work I won’t talk. I just think they’ve had enough of me and are looking to use an excuse to get rid of me. They will probably use the depression/Bipolar excuse and say due to this you’re not working like you should or something, which is a load of shit as I’m still hitting above the required workload and I’m doing more work than other staff. Basically they don’t like me and I think, no I’m sure I don’t care. I will work, come home and not give it an opinion. If they try  they try and they will loose when it comes to myself. I don’t back down easily.

So once those 3 horrible days had passed I was clear! I am on annual leave! I have till the 31st off and I work one day next week! Couldn’t be happier about this.

So what happens when you have a day off? You get ill. I am so pissing ill and tired it’s ridiculous! It doesn’t help that toms also ill. But my first day on annual leave and I’m ill! Horrible! Karma for something I have done which I’m not sure about. Not fair!

But Thursday I sat and knitted. Watched crap Tv. Looked after Tom was nice and easy. Yesterday however was different! I was up making Charms tidying the house up and Tom came down white as a ghost struggling to breathe. He had an albas oil steam and it made him worse! We had to go to the doctors. So off we went. I said I’d drive my car but he was adement that he would drive as it was safer! He couldn’t bloody see properly! But he drove. It is 5 minutes down the road but still.

Checked him in and he was called to triage. The Walk In Centre was rammed. The wait time was 4 hours and Tom said as soon as we got there I want to go home I’m fine. Liar. So we waited 20 minutes and he was called in. 5/10 minutes passed no sign of him yet and then the doctor came out and called me in. So I went in walked into the room and was shocked. There was Tom hooked up to a Nebuliser, sweating uncontrollably fighting for breathe! The doctor told me an ambulance had been called and we had to go to a&e. I panicked. I had my mother on the phone and she was coming to the centre to meet me to get toms car keys. I had Tom holding my hand apologising, which he didn’t need to! But all the fear and panick I had he had. This has never happened before.

Terrified. Obviously you think the worse and that he’s going to be checked into a ward and all sorts but he wasn’t thank goodness! We went in the ambulance and he started to breathe a bit better, into a&e he had his ECG done, blood pressure, blood tests and even went for a chest X-Ray so was seen pretty quickly considering the overall wait time to see the triage nurse was 4-5 hours. Silver lining and all that.

In the end to cut the story short he had a mild asthma attack and has an infection. He has medication to take and is now being Monitored by myself! Not having that happen again! Last night we watched films he was relaxed. But trying to get him to sleep was a nightmare! He was breathing quicker and panicking and was ultimately scared. So we lay there doing breathing techniques and eventually we fell asleep. This morning he hasn’t got as high a temperature, hes coughing up all the crap in his lungs which is good! And he feels slightly better.

However I feel shit. I’m worrying about him. I’m scared to leave his side incase something happens. I don’t want that and I know he doesn’t but I feel like I need to be with him all the time till he’s slightly better, to a lot of people that’s a bit overbearing and what not but I feel that’s a security thing for him and he doesn’t have to worry then.

I had a proper sleep last night but could do without being away since 5am this morning. Personally I feel shit. I ache and I’ve got a cough but nothing like Toms. But I feel a bit lost. Like what should do I? I know I want to care for Tom and look after him but is wrapping him in bubble wrap and putting him next to me a step too far, obviously that is a figure of speech and I haven’t physically done that and if i did do that he would attempt to kill me!

I feel like I need to do something. I have nearly finished the slippers for my brother which he asked for. I’ve made loads of charms for Phimoublé Charms but they seem to be as popular as Sprouts. I feel a bit lost. Works shit. Money’s shit. Health is shit. I want to start running and doing boot camp again however I don’t think I’m physically fit for it, so what can I do?! I just feel a bit lost and like there’s nothing to do. I want to decorate as I want a fresh look in the house as its been the same since I moved in and I want it to be more about us living here not just me. But to decorate you need money to get the initial project going. I don’t have that. I don’t have motivation and I definitely don’t have a drive to do anything other than to put myself in a Neflix coma for the day!

I don’t understand. I was so content and happy. Is this the downside after all the build up? Is this what it’s like after an event? Is this how in going to feel for a long period of time unless I have something planned everyday? I can’t cope like this. It’s not helping my mood and I feel at a low. I don’t want that. I need to change it but I just can’t. I don’t know how to, well I do, I just can’t do it. Realistically I can’t. I think I’m just going to look after Thomas and go from there with the day. I’ll probably end up knitting if honest which isn’t too bad.

See I wanted to write something everyday during the whole absent post, however every day I would say to myself meh I can write about it tomorrow. This has continued and this morning is the first time I’ve followed through with it. Am I now become more of a procrastinator?

I don’t get it. I don’t get the feelings I have. I just don’t get anything recently. I blame medication. I think until that’s properly looked at I may not be 100%. I may be just 45% or more than likely less but I think it’s all to do with medication. I can’t be dealing with this crap. I’m paying to make myself feel like this! Not acceptable.

Advertisements

The Lost Determination.

Wednesday 16th March 2016 – all day update

Its hump day again. The days are merging into one. Does anyone else feel like this? That everyday has merged into one and it feels like an endless cycle?

Why do we have that kind of feeling? Is it due to the lack of sleep? If that’s the case we’re all going to be doomed at some point or another. How long does this feeling last?

I woke up at about 3:48am this morning. I was fully prepared to get myself sorted for the day as I was unaware of the time. It was only when I looked at the time I felt stupid. I felt like I was the unacceptable person, who is awake at that time freely and is awake naturally not because of alcohol or the urge to pee? I couldn’t settle to go back to sleep despite how hard I tried. It’s bad that it gets to a stage we have to try and sleep. So began to think. The dangerous past time we all do.

I thought that since I’ll be home alone tonight I’ll do workouts. I’ll get myself started on the fitness as we’re running out of time. I set an imaginary goal and timeline in place and within 5 minutes the only thing I could say to it was: Do I really have the motivation today? I wasn’t even out of bed and I was questioning my motivation which will inevitably effect my motivation for the rest of the day.

Shockingly enough it did. My motivation was bleak today. I couldn’t focus on work. Instead I was more interested in what sales are currently ongoing as well as looking at puppies. Tom and I have said we will get a puppy eventually, more than likely after the wedding and honeymoon but still no harm in looking at the minute.

I find everything else so much more interesting other than what I’m meant to be doing. Does everyone else find this?

I can’t even find the motivation to write on this anymore. I have typed this post over and over and each time deleted part and redone it. In the end I think I’ve just given up. I went with the last motivation I have and am posting this.

I have ended up going to bed incredibly early. I’m currently in bed now and it’s 9:30. I won’t be able to sleep or settle but I’m in bed. I’ll more than likely watch something on my iPad whilst playing a game on the phone. It’s such a hard life. I guess there isn’t any excitement when Tom isn’t around. I think I got into a retreat mode when Tom isn’t here.

I loose all interest in everything. I just give up on these days and nights. Bad timing really as I don’t want to do this as it seems like I’m always relying heavily on him but I don’t want this to be the case going forward. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet and feel strong however I just don’t. I don’t know why, I just don’t.

I just don’t get what’s up at the minute. Everyone is still so negative around us but is that going to be the main reason to make my mood plummet? It can’t be. I know it’s not great to have that around you but still.

I don’t know what to do. Oh god I’m so lost. I’m so tired. I’m so mleh!

The Fear.

Tuesday 15th March 2016 – all day update.

The fear. The lack of sleep. The early morning wake ups. The clammy hands. Uncontrollable terrors. The clear and ignorant views of others. The constant pain.

Those feelings have not left for a few days. I thought if I could be positive and put out positivity then I would receive positivity back! Why am I not? Why is I receive these feelings? Why do I have them when I am trying to be positive.

I don’t want to have negative or unhappy feelings anymore. I want to be what people class as ‘normal’ and ‘stable’ with emotions. I don’t want to have dreams where I wake up terrified to talk to people or say I had this dream last night and get the ridiculous tuts and comments of how it’s not normal.

Why do I have them? Why can’t every single person have the same structure when it comes to mental health?! Why is it only some and not others? Why do we have to suffer and others can carry on and do as they please? How is this fair? Why is it that when we are low we bring everyone else down with us and always get the blame but when someone else is and they bring you down you still get the blame as they say your ‘illness’ effected them? Why is the world such a messed up place!

It sounds dramatic, well incredibly dramatic but I do hate this world. I wouldn’t take myself away from Tom or my family but I do hate it. I don’t think I have the physical capacity to do anything regarding these feelings except make people worry and think I’m not stable. I don’t want that.

I want to try and put positive feelings and energy from me into whatever’s around me so I can receive it back but at the minute, every single person is in such a low and negative state of mind. It’s difficult to be positive when everyone around you is saying how crap everything is. How everything isn’t going right. How the government are messing things up for us to live and because we’re working class we will never achieve to anything.

People around us are currently in a worse state of mind than anyone with a mental health issue.

Everywhere I look on social media or in actual media there is a story about mental health and how we need to help it more. We need to do something about it. Or everyone has a story about it and they had a miraculous recovery and are classed as ‘normal’ within 3 weeks? How is that possible? Surely that’s just them being low as their partner broke up with them or something? Is there really a way to help mental illness in such a short space of time? If so why can’t we all have this so called help?

Why do some get it and others don’t? Anyone who says they are depressed or suffering from something more they get asked the million pound question: Are you suicidal?

Now… That question is an odd one. Are we meant to say yes we are so we get help quicker but taken to a special place where normal is deprived. Or do we say no and continue with medication. A lot of the time people always say no because they aren’t, well they say they aren’t. When in reality they would never act on something due to the fear and repocusions their acts will have on every single person around them. Is that fair? Those who do act upon the thoughts normally are the ones with little or no fear. Just pain.

Myself, I have the fear. I wouldn’t act on any thought like that. At one point in my teenage years, when I came out as gay and was attacked by my school and generally beaten up for being different in a way they weren’t used to seeing I did try. I didn’t want to live a life where I was attacked for being different. Where being gay was wrong. I tried a few times but each time was unsuccessful. At one point I even set a part of my arm on fire just to see if it hurt. It did. I have a tattoo over it and luckily I put it out quickly so I have a small burn mark. No one ever knows where it is but I can see it everyday.

Now ive grew up and accepted me for me and who I have with me in my journey I’m glad my attempts had been unsuccessful. I didn’t think of what my family would of done but seeing how they act whenever someone dies I can imagine it would of broken them completely. It would break any of us if we lost one another so I’m glad I’m still around. Yes I have depression and anxiety and potential bipolar or whatever but I’m still here, I may not be like the next Harry or Sally but I’m Andrew. I’m me.

So why do we do it? Why do we have thoughts to try and push us to do something we would never normally do? Do those with any form of mental illness suffer more or does everyone?

I am trying so hard to stay strong at the minute but I feel so broken. Why me? I would love to take a knife and remove the fat off my stomach or thys but I have that fear that what if I did it wrong and I suffer for the rest of my life? Or what if someone else has to suffer because of it? On Friday night I had to listen to my manager tell someone we work with that a more senior manager called her team obese… How is that right?! Why would someone do that? I couldn’t work out what’s worse the fact my manager told someone or the fact a senior manager said it about us?

How is that fair? I can imagine if I put something in like a complaint or grievance then they will try and get rid of me. How is this acceptable?

I will always go back to the point I always say; humans are a messed up species. We can’t be happy unless we make someone feel less superior and we run what we can in their faces. Not everyone does this but a lot of people do. Why do we? I know it’s all the alpha male traits and stuff but in every  single thing we do, why is it necessary?

I am struggling at the minute. I don’t know what to do to try and lift my mood. I’ve tried to relax, I’ve tried talking, I’ve tried so many things but nothing is working. I feel like such a lost cause at the minute. I feel like I’ve brought Tom down so much recently. I hate that feeling. I want us to run away.

Fuck everything I want us to get up, look at somewhere go find somewhere and go for it. We’d struggle and be alone but that may set us off on the right path. Well for the time being. I think the city we live I had brought us to such a low mood.

Ive never had issues in the area we live in but recently that feeling has gone. Trouble is brewing and I’m not liking it. I don’t feel safe. It’s gotten rougher and more dangerous. I don’t like it.

I don’t fell myself any more. I’m lost. I’m full of fear of everything which is something I’ve never had! I don’t know what to do. The only thing I can think of is listening to Sia’s album This Is Acting as that made me feel so empowered and stronger but it hasn’t recently.

The Adult Growth Spurt.

Sunday 13th March 2016 9:06am

It’s been a few days since I last posted something.

This weekend so far has just consisted of plans involving alcohol which has lead me to the assumption: as adults we can’t cope without this miraculous thing called alcohol to the point we screw people over with it.

Let me explain a bit by that. I feel that as a child nothing goes wrong the worse thing you ever experienced was when your friend didn’t want to play a game with you or said they didn’t want to be your friend for 3 hours. End of the world! Now as adults we discovered we can have more things as life is incredibly depressing. Let’s have alcohol to mask and cover the pain we feel each day and use it as a social gathering point. Why do we do this? How did we get from innocent beings where nothing is wrong to these emotional wrecks who need a form of approval which is found in a bottle or can.

Friday after work I went for a few drinks with work people. It was someone’s leaving do and I had forgotten completely. I had been so wrapped up in everything going on in our own personal lives to realise something else was happening. Well this changed and I decided to go and be social and I’m glad I did. It was hilarious. The drinks just kept flowing. Everyone was chatting and was so upbeat it was a parallel version to what everyone is like in work. A little drink turned into 4 which turned into bottles of wine which ended up being 13 portions of chips being ordered so no one was sick. We didn’t look like we were on a mission to drink, none of us thought it was a mission it was only because we had been so talkative that the drinks kept flowing. I, however, ended up being the last man standing, I was the only male there to point out, and ended up going out on an impromptu night with Rhia!

So… Nearly two bottles of wine gone. 5 double vodkas, gone. On to meet Rhia. This all came about since she said she had a drink and asked about tonight instead of the next day which we had plans anyway. So we went out. We drank even more. We found everything hysterical! She was a bitch. I was a bitch. I was dancing like a twat she was dancing like a twat. We were like mirrors. What one did the other did, to an extent I may add! I was going to go round kissing girls just because, and I quote rhia’s exact words, “I’m single, what’s the problem?” Brilliant. I am surprised we hadn’t been beaten up for the state we were in and the issues that followed us. So this night was filled with random qualities. Constant drinks, inability to talk or walk, random lesbians at every side of us, straight girls being ‘gay’ for Rhia, men in fights covered in blood, us taking the piss out of a ‘local celebrity’ as he puts it. The only thing normal about the night was the fact it was just like before. Just like old times where nothing ever mattered when we were together.

So cut to a random picture of Rhias bum being shared on every social network. If you would like to see it Please check my instagram pictures which are normally around the sides or bottom of the post depending on device. This photo I sent round to anyone and shared everywhere at 2:47am as this is apparently the appropriate thing to do. Which then lead to us coming home. Finding my bed and falling asleep, with some clothes on I may add as we have an ongoing joke that she will be carrying our baby soon. Let the spinning room and dry mouth commence.

Awaking at 8:25am after falling asleep at 4:30 isn’t the best idea. But I couldn’t sleep. Shock horror. I couldn’t sleep. I had a dry mouth. A headache. I had the shakes I was inevitably still absolutely smashed! I was still blind drunk. The only thing I thought I could do was go downstairs and try and wind down. No not possible. Not even thinkable. Rhia comes traipsing down the stairs 20 minutes later also blind drunk. We both sat in the front room laughing at each other for the state we were in. How is this acceptable? How is this the adult thing to do? I don’t understand it.

But then Tom came home shortly after we woke up. He had stayed at his mums as he had a family thing to attend, I don’t want to go into details as it wasn’t a nice thing but all I will say is I’m incredibly proud of how strong he has been. So he comes in to find these two delightful beings who can barely talk, couldn’t walk still and in general should of been put in the bin. This was how my day was. We went back to bed after ordering breakfast to be delivered. I couldn’t sleep and consequently felt like shit. The whole day was spent laying in bed and feeling sorry for myself whilst Tom caught up on sleep as he was exhausted.

Now… Last night is where we had a breakthrough. Last night is where we discovered we had changed. We were having  a gathering for my birthday as I wasn’t going to be around for it as I would in Manchester, as I’m so busy and important! So we went out spent £80 on nibbles and bits and alcohol. Only to find out half didn’t turn up, some didn’t even reply and those who came didn’t want to drink as ‘They just don’t.’ Now to me that is a bit rude. If someone goes out and buys stuff and the only thing you want is the crisps and won’t acknowledge anything else that’s rude. To then say oh next month for my birthday we’ll go out and get really drunk is another matter. Do not turn up to our house moan about drinking when you didn’t even bring anything and we provided it, then say I don’t say I don’t want to go out as I’m not feeling it but expect everyone else to go out for yours. Not happening.

Last night once everyone left and it was Tom, Rhia and myself sat talking and we realised we had grown up. We had had the next growth spurt which meant we had out grew our so called friends. We became agitated by things they said. They would talk about themselves or something to do with an ex which all of them had something to say about it. I don’t care if you never got anything  from your children’s dad in the shape of money. Stop bringing people down! Be happy that you have children who love you and you do the best for them. Tom and I can’t wait to have children but it’s a different matter for us as we have to prove we could do it before we can even consider one of our options. We can’t just pop one out. Stop turning everything into a conversation about you and what you did and what not. It’s not something people like to listen to.

Another one last night is dating addict. The one always on the dating sites because in real life it’s too difficult. The one who moans about work every time and says they’re tired but wouldn’t do anything about it. If you’re that unhappy fix it! Stop saying I hate everything but accept what you have, if you’re unhappy Fix it! Unhappy your single? Stop being a dick and being self absorbed and be a nice person. Don’t get off on the fact someone hates you! Act the way you do and you’ll be a single spinster all your life. Grow up. Don’t be a dick. Stop being pathetic over everything and depressing. Stop sitting on your phone whenever people are around and have a conversation with the ones who make the effort instead of the ones 2 miles away through the phone. Be social. And do not expect everyone to do something for you but you wouldn’t do anything back for them. Tom and I have cooked dinner for this person so many times, Tom has gave him lifts, if he’s needed something we’ve been there but we aren’t good enough as the 789 people who exist virtually around him but not In a close proximity to him in reality are better. They deserve everything.

When someone goes out of their way and buys you dinner every time you come round, don’t say I’ll give you money next time, which never comes. Say thank you. Get them something to show that over the 5/6 years that they have done a lot instead of telling someone else what you would of done better. Stop being a dick.

People need to stop being twats. People need to realise how good they have it when someone would bend over backwards to offer them anything but it’s not good enough. Last night Tom, Rhia and myself  came to terms that we had outgrew our friends. We are happy. Content with everything we have and the only thing we can do is move forward. We have stopped dwelling on the past and are now focusing on our future. Our friends haven’t, well a lot of them haven’t changed. They are still immature and still dwelling on what someone did to them 3 years ago as it caused them emotional trauma. No it didn’t it just meant someone else’s dick was nicer get over it.

I know in this I have bitched a lot. I have basically let out a lot of what I’ve had built up. I have said this to people’s faces so on here it’s no different but when you say it to someone’s face it doesn’t sink in. I’ve realised that and I know I won’t be liked for this. I don’t really care. I have still got amazing people around me who have also had the adult growth spurt and have realised the same, yes we sound like right snobby dicks but we’re not we just matured a lot quicker.

I know a lot of people feel the same as I have done and I actually feel a lot better for venting it out there. I love my friends due to the whole human characteristics of being liked and needed by someone. It’s something we all have. But I’m still there for them I just don’t want to be emotionally drained from them anymore. I want to be positive. Start our family. Start our lives properly as we can and not be pulled back as someone is jealous so we can’t do something or doesn’t agree with what we want to do. People need to realise they don’t need every single person they have ever met to approve of them and like them and talk to them. They aren’t friends. They’re gossips who don’t care. When was the last time they did something for you?

Humans are so fucked up. We really are a messed up species. From the seeking comfort from an alcoholic bottle, to taking illegal substances to satisfy a feeling, to craving everyone’s attention. Why can’t we just like ourselves for who we are and not what everyone else wants? Why are we all being more like sheep with everything going on instead of being the circle in a field of squares?

Why aren’t we satisfied with anything we have and always want a change? Why are we so messed up in general.

The Wigs. The Make up. The Shoes.

Thursday 10th March 2016 11:14pm

We’re back to the throwback day. The day everyone uses the hashtags and posts ridiculous selfies or images they took years ago. Today I have taken part in this. I posted photos of me playing with make up and me being the basic bitch in drag.

I used to dress in Drag a lot. I guess it all started when my mother always found me in her make up bag when I was no more than 3 and would have a full face of something on. O would walk around in her shoes too. I think this was when they realised I was gay. It wasn’t just a one of thing, I think it happened most weeks. My mum must of went through so much make up. I feel really bad, I know one little tub of foundation is nearly £10 so no wonder parents go ape shit at their children when they do this! Anyway back to today’s life and me in dresses and shit. I would go out and confuse people. They couldn’t tell if I was a biological female or a psychological female for the night. It was always straight guys as well. The guys who always said “There’s something about you that I can’t put my finger on” to which my reply was always as crude as “Well you’ll never get to out your finger on my dick anyway, but can you hold my tit for a minute I’ve got an itchy nipple.” Classy bird right?!

When I was in Drag I had my own drag name. I was confident. I was cheap. I was loud and had no care. I was opposite what I am now and that’s just what everyone is like. Put on a mask, however in my case it was a face full of make up, change how people view you and you can be anyone. You can do what you wouldn’t dare to do when you’re yourself. My drag name is Gypsy LaWhore.

It has a classy ring to it right? I just felt in love with it when playing with names one day. I wanted to be called Pheonix but that’s too cliché. It’s not unique. Then I was talking about Gypsys and the rules and all sorts and skulls and what not, the mystical side of the historic Gypsys. I realised then and there that I felt a like to that word… Gypsy. Gypsy. Gypsy. Then the LaWhore bit came from the fact I always always always used to call people whores. I don’t know why. So I thought let’s add some flavour to it. Let’s add La. La sounds exotic when you add it to a name and it worked. From then onwards I was called Gypsy by a few people, in general even out of Drag. I loved it.

So let’s cut to today. I rarely dress in drag. I still have all my make up, I have a big wooden unit which is filled to the brim with it, lashes, foundations, powders, lipsticks, Eye shadows, blushers the lot! I have stupid amounts of brushes for every single face line needed. A small one for just under the brows and an even smaller one for by the side of my nose. It varies a lot in sizes and colour’s for everything inside this wooden unit. I have my wigs on mannequins, well two my favourite ladies on them! The rest are stored away in big balls which means I have to de tangle and was them the day before I would use them. But I get to restyle them every time. It’s a very soothing and relaxing job to do. My dresses and outfits are all stored away in the wardrobe and big units inside wardrobes and all sorts. Then we have the shoes. The weakness! I. Love. Shoes.

I have Killer Heels which are 9 inches. I have Knee highs with diamonds up the back of them. I have spiked 8 inch heels. I have home made mesh heels. I have snakeskin. I have a type of heel for everything! Any occasion to wear them I would. I’ve worn them to work – I worked in an office and had to walk to work everyday so I wore them. I had such a strut going on it was empowering. I wear them with my normal clothes if I can and I’m allowed, Tom gets freaked out now and then when I do drag as he cant see my real face and I think the eccentric side isn’t something he sees that often so it’s a treat. But I wouldn’t throw it in his face. I respect him for being honest with me and saying he’s not used to it.

I love shoes. I love high heels is what I should say really. I always dreamed I’d be a burlesque dancer. So today whilst in work I was daydreaming and listening to soundtracks for dancers. Strippers up to burlesque dancers. Since then I have wanted to watch Burlesque all day. I love it. It was always my dream to be in something like that. Be a star in a dance number but in drag with big costumes and diamonds and sequences. Work all hours and make everyone feel good about themselves by just putting on a show. I always thought I’d do well as an entertainer, or in that industry anyway. Turns out Tom wants to work in a club like that too. He wants to wear the guy liner, a waste coat the bowler hat and be all mysterious and different. So I suggested we should do it.

After the wedding get looking and get our own club. Make it a Burlesque bar. Have performers and musicians. Random acts and open at the times to suit the mystical people. I think he thinks I’m joking. I would love to do it. I did used to want to own a club, a bar anything along those lines. It was always a dream I had. But I guess that dream will always be a dream for a dreamer. Financially we could never ever afford it. We would be exhausted and working 24/7 365 possibly 364 days a year. It would kill us considering we don’t like to work as it is.

So what would you do in that case? Let the dream flicker by? Or do you hold it in the bubble and store it and keep the dream as a ‘backup’ hmm.

Soeaking along the lines of dreams. Last night I had the dream again. The monster was trying to win but I didn’t wake up. I didn’t stir. I just slept. I had a full solid 5 and a half hours sleep before I woke up. This is new. This is unheard of for me recently! I didn’t panic when I thought I was dying. I knew in my heart of hearts that I wasn’t dead. I was dreaming and this was just a horrible dream and the monster was trying to get me.

Ive tried to stay so positive today about everything. I think the monster just wants some free time. I don’t want this to happen so I’m determined to stay strong. Keep pushing and dreaming. I want a happy dream now. I’m going to try and dream of the Club. See how it would work. Obviously I would be either Cher or Christina since they are both amazing!

I hope I don’t ever loose that dream. That innocent dream and the drag queen. I hope I get to rekindle it now and the. Even if it is for parties and what not. May end up being a clown for parties which is an entertainer! Never thought I would but I could

I feel I need to stop writing as I’m causing myself to become more awake and alive. I should be asleep or trying to. I just don’t seem to want to stop writing. I need to.

Its time for sleep. Goodnight Dreamers.

The Monster.

Wednesday 9th March 2016 11:30am

youre going to see a lot of spelling mistakes today so please don’t judge me. It will all make sense when you read through today’s post. Oh and this is posted via a phone.

Time for me to be honest. I can’t cope anymore. Between the fear at work that I’ll be sacked and the fear at home that I’ve been the biggest fuck wit ever.

It doesn’t help that I’m that deprived in sleep that my mind is running a million miles at a time. It also doesn’t help that whilst at work I’m checking an email between each task. I’m currently writing this I between each task I complete. For every task I complete in work that equates to 2 minutes writing time, best way for me to avoid complete lack of focus and to work whilst clearing my mind with everything flying through it and blocking me from seeing clearly.

I have the worst headache. It’s not a migraine as I can see and focus but it’s there. The pain is real. It hurts and its obstructing my metaphorical view. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve been listening to Kanye West. On repeat. Under normal circumstances this would be torture. This isn’t tho. I feel like screaming along to the song. It’s the song Monster featuring every Tom, Dick and Harry. But I just can’t stop listening to it today.

“Oh just another lonely night. Are you willing to sacrifice your life”

“Everybody knows I’m a mother fucking Monster.”

“I crossed the line and I’ll let God decide. And I wouldn’t last these shows, so I’m heading home.”

At the minute I do think I’m a monster. I try and do the right thing but I never seem to get it right. It makes it even worse. Like right now as I’m writing this in work there’ll probably be repocusions however the person next to me, is sat watching a movie on Netflix on her phone. How is this acceptable?!

Where is the justice? Where is the line we are all crossing when we do wrong? How come not all of us are approved of doing the right thing? Why is it acceptable that if someone else does what I do they would be treated as a saint, but I’m treated like a monster, like I’m the worse thing around in the world at the minute.

I had one of the most disturbed dreams I’ve had in a long time last night. It felt so real I couldn’t work out of it was a dream or if it really happened. I dreamt I died. The monster was slayed by his own hands. I dreamt I killed myself to end all the misery and pain I cause. I even left the house to do it and wasn’t near home so it wouldn’t disturb anyone. I was in tears and was soaking wet from perfusely sweating. This was also happen outside of the dream. I was terrified but it felt like it was the right thing to do.

When I woke up from this I just lay there. I didn’t want to move incase I did do it in real life. I became even more terrified and realised that I had a monster living inside me. I didn’t want to move incase I became weak. I couldn’t physically do anything other than lay there. I became a coward over this monster inside me. Once I had retrieved my bearings that had scattered all around me, I focused and thought I would do that. I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave Tom on his own to pick up my pieces. What about my mum?! My family?! They would hate me. I couldn’t do that to them.

This morning or mid sleep awakening time whatever stage of day it was. That was the weakest ive ever felt in years. Like I was beaten and was going to loose control. I do need help if this is happening. I can’t let it happen again. Something needs to be done. I can’t be happy in the evening and then have this feeling Of lack of sleep because I have this monster battle going on.

I refuse to say I’m sick as I’m not. That’s not the right mindset but I have a problem. A big problem. I need to handle this Monster into a bird or something happier. It’ll turn my insides rotten, my mind everything. I can’t have that. That’s not a way to live.

Help. Slay the Monster. Rebirth.

Thats what’s needed. Rebirth. Purity. I don’t want to be in work. I want to be in a countryside walking, just walking, possibly for a few miles. Just being free for a bit before returning to life.

Ive also cracked and had a red bull today. Probably the worst thing to do which hasn’t helped my headache as I can’t stop moving. I have constantly had a twitch going on. Not good.

The Longest Tuesday.

Tuesday 8th March 2016 9:18pm

The longest day of the week. The longest day of the year it feels like, today genuinely felt like it had lasted 3 weeks… Nope. It had only been 6 hours when this feeling kicked in. Horrible, nasty feeling. I’m glad tomorrow is Wednesday and the week is slowly coming to an end… Yes we aren’t half way there yet but it’s coming closer and closer.

I mentioned how I was excited for Monday morning in the last thing I wrote. Well… What a pile of rubbish. What a build up of nonsense and misdirection that was. So we arrived at my appointment. I was fuelled on a cup of tea, a wheatabix and an incredible lack of sleep. Anxiety had played it’s fabulous part all morning and I by the time I had sat down on the second floor reception I apparently looked pale, white as a ghost.

So let me explain about this incredible building. Orange bricks. Two floors of orange bricks. Large windows and window vinyl across each one stating what they offer. The receptionist was lovely. Very friendly and was a breath of fresh air on a Monday morning. She made you feel welcome in this clinical looking building. So I had to walk around reception into a tiny door and was told to go up the flights of stairs to the second floor. So up I ran. I regretted not taking the lift. They felt never ending, like it was some form of game that this level was torturous and was based on testing your endurance. Well I got to the top eventually. I saw an L shaped sofa which was a very vibrant lime green, in an odd way it was lovely. I wanted it. So I waited and was greeted by a lady, the one who told me I was white, she told me not to worry don’t get worked up and to try and relax. Relax?! Is she delusional?! This is out of my comfort zone and is very different for a Monday morning how could I relax? I was about to be interrogated by a specialist about work and what I could be doing.

So at 9.04am on the dot she called me into this room. This lady. About 5ft 7. Everything about her was middle aged. Her clothes. How she walked, middle aged people now have a certain walk… I’ve decided this. The way she dressed, the way she spoke. Everything. Even her vocabulary was middle aged. Longer words for a simpler meaning. I didn’t need this. But I endured and spoke like I should do and answered questions like I should.

I had to explain my job role, normal structure and habits I have or any times I switch off in the day. If I struggle outside of work. You know the whole shabang. Not leaving any stone unturned. Well. She was thorough. She asked question after question and would repeat these questions to try and catch me out. I was clearly far too smart for that game and I think it agitated her slightly. But in the end we talked and she sounded so confused by why I was there. She noticed I was figgity and I spoke incredibly fast. I speak fast anyway but this was apparently too fast. This happened again today and I actually spoke that fast I forgot to breath! I just don’t get how I managed to get into a situation like that but it happened. It happens.

So after this meeting, I was convinced I was going to loose my job. I was certain she would say he can’t do the full hours he’s meant to so he shouldn’t be working or at least say he should work part time which as soon as I thought this, boom 1000000000 scenarios appeared all of which I ended up homeless and alone. Very very unlikely I know but still. Anyone else do this?

So I got to work, was greeted by the work wife, I have mentioned her previously in a post. She had told me I wasn’t in till 12:30 and everyone was aware of this, all except me. I was told I needed an hour and a half so I was there and walking into the building at 10:45… If I knew I had till 12:30 I would of milked it and went for a coffee with Tom. Oh he came with me and was an absolute gem like always! Would of been a lot worse of a wreck if he wasn’t there that day or in general. But I digress and begin to work. So I was in work when I was told I was off but hay ho. That day ended quicker than today.

So last night we started to watch Luther. Ever watched it? It’s so bizarre and yet strangely addictive. Should look it up its on Netflix, which is in everyone’s household right?! We watched this constantly as we became instantly hooked from the start. You have crazy people and a bad mouse in a group. Yet we both fell in love with the crazy lady from the first episode as she just seemed so brilliant. Her character is amazing and you do just begin to like her regardless of what she may or may not have done.

Once we watched a few hours of this it was bedtime. We needed sleep. We both had been exhausted all day and refused to leave the programme until we watched half a season, just to add we were in bed by 10:25pm which is normal time. But I couldn’t settle. I was so distracted and in overdrive from what was going on in general life. Everyday life. I made a decision last night I didn’t want to be an adult anymore. I wanted to play games and forget problems, I do that on my iPad and phone and 3DS and whatever else. I find them a release and I play strategy games so I have to think, plan and work out what’s going to happen before it does which I enjoy. As if I’m wrong it can go good or bad in these games. I think this has spread into my real life. I feel I plan and base what I can do based on what everyone else is doing or how they are acting.

Last nights sleep was horrible. Myself and Tom both had a rubbish sleep. We’d both get warm and then be cold or if too close in bed had to move away as it became hotter quicker. We both woke up constantly. Kind of like on the hour every hour at a certain point. This morning though, after being awake since 6:35, like wide awake unable to drift back to sleep again, I thought I’d done something horribly wrong. I had horrific dreams. I thought I’d hurt Tom and fucked up somehow. So this morning I was so unsettled and so lost. Tom isn’t a morning person and I am. I can talk within  3 seconds of waking up for an hour continuously. Tom needs 20 minutes sometimes to fully wake up before engaging in conversation. So I thought he was off with me as he was quieter than normal. But he was just tired, I found this out after he left as he left to go to London for the day, so he was out earlier than normal.

So despite being tired, despite the fact I thought I’d screwed everything up, despite the fact before 8am I was having a horrible day – all of which was in my head as if I created everything and it began to fluctuate to my emotions and physical state. Despite the fact it’s only a Tuesday… Today has been horrible. In general. It’s dragged, it’s been slow and everybody I have spoken to have all agreed today has been a No go day. Although one person in work made me smile. I finished her mums scarf she asked me to do and brought it in on Monday and as a thank you her mum bought me some Celebrations. It was such a lovely gesture. Now I can’t wait to see what my brother gets me as a thank you for knitting him some slippers! Just joking about that part, I don’t want anything as a thank you it helps me focus.

I need a reset button. I need a reset button for this week so far. Tonight we are planning to stay up later in the hopes that we can sleep longer and in general have a deeper sleep. Let’s hope it works, plus we are really into Luther and want to finish more episodes in the second season.

Lets see how I feel tomorrow morning. Let’s hope I don’t create an alternative situation In which I ruin everything from having a dream because I’m that tired I can’t tell reality from imagination.

Also anyone interested it’s my birthday in 10 days. I plan to get wasted this weekend to celebrate and next weekend for my birthday. Oh and you can all buy something off Phimoublé Charms on Facebook as that would make me very happy!